being butta.fly

2002-10-07T16:33:00.000-07:00

okay...my new spot is up and running. see u there.

2002-10-03T17:34:00.000-07:00

i'm counting the minutes. one. two. three. four.

i didn't eat lunch @ lunch. i'm hongree for really now. those kfc cajun wings r calling my name. yes siree. this guy is groovy. my coworkers now know 'bout phan (my dream man - hey that rhymes! heehee.). they r worse than family i tell ya. the single red rose he gave me is sitting on my desk. they're going to tell me that he had to do betta than that and give me a dozen. fuck that and fuck them. one rose is fine w/ me and that's all that matters. they then wanted to know how we met. i started to share and then realized that meeting him @ the american legion "chappie james post" isn't the most romantical. but fuck it right? bodies disappeared around us as we danced. that's serious. *wipin sweat from brow* i'm having flashbacks. ha! i find myself wanting to learn more 'bout where he comes from (haiti). and is it corny to ask him to speak in french, greek, or any one of the otha languages he speaks? i wanna know, really. *smile*

i'm on some sound of music type shit....*singing* oh what a beautiful morrrrning. oh what a beautiful day..."

anywayz, i've got class tonite. me and my fellow leftie sista are going to cut up. i'm looking forward to that. oh, let me clue y'all in. i'm taking a class called "the sweater workshop" @ the yarn store. there's eight ladies...all right handed except me and deb. so sometimes demonstrations look a lil weird to us. we have a ball tryin to figure out the correct way to do things. lefties of the world unite!!

wiz and c r comin over to talk "business". i wonder what's up.

i'm sneakin out early....those chicken wings r callin my name. just call me pookie. [peace]

2002-10-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

everything outside looks frozen. winter is on its way fah sho.

oct 17 will b here b4 i know it and i don't have anything made for the trip. it's time i focus and keep my butt @ home. my goal is to have the site up and running b4 i leave. the shop is the only thing that needs work. so, i'm working on scarves and bags @ the moment.

it'll get done. i won't stress.

2002-10-02T12:03:00.000-07:00

leroy, i did get brothaman's number...my head's been in the clouds for a few days now. i've been freakin out bcuz this man holds all of the qualities i've been looking for in a man (he crochets!). it's almost too perfect. i was bouncin off the walls yesterday after spending a lovely evening w/ him. the brotha is dope and he likes me. we've got a dinner date set for friday (i need a nice shawl). woohoo!!!

2002-09-30T11:31:00.000-07:00

experiencing technical difficulties...
looks like blog spot will b my home until i get the bugs worked outta my new spot.

anywayz, the energy is weird in the office today. some of my coworkers have a major attitude problem and it's getting on my nerves. i wish i could close myself inside of my cubicle. yeah, w/ one press of a button i could have my own ceiling and door. my shit would even b sound-proof. i could do my work and listen to prince malachi in peace.

i had a blast saturday nite. the show was madd fun. miss chris did her thang on stage. she's the "mama" outta the group. the first time i heard her voice, i thought i was back in church. i love her man. after the first time i read, she asked y i wasn't a feature like her and the othas. i laughed (i still don't think i'm ready for all of that). anywayz, she's dope!

from the show we went out to eat. after that, we headed to the club. my mission for the nite was to dance. i danced all nite (even to the wack songs). oh, and i met a man. i was (and still am) hella excited 'bout that. it started w/ eye contact. we stared @ each otha for a minute and the next thing i know, he was in my face asking for a dance. whew lawd! he held me close as we swayed to the beat. i swear, everybody around us disappeared. so yeah, i'm not sure where this will lead. actually, i'm not really thinkin 'bout it. whateva happens, happens. the moment was nice.

the countdown begins...17 days 'til new york!
mandara called me early yesterday morn. she was @ a street fair and wanted me to hear the music. i can't wait to get there.

2002-09-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

i moved...

2002-09-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

i'm ready to go home now. i haven't had much work to do lately. the last two days were spent sitting in a hotel conference room learning the do's and don'ts of business writing. i don't do a lot of writing @ work, but what i learned will come in handy w/ my personal stuff.

i'm counting the minutes 'til i can go home. so much needs to b done.

2002-09-23T05:31:00.000-07:00

i had the best nite. me and neisha went to soraya's (a latin club here) to get our boogie on. it was supposed to b reggae/hip hop nite and noone showed up. it was us and 6 other ppl. after a while, it was us, the owner of the club, and the brotha in charge of the nite's activities. the owner started talkin to neisha and i and the next thing we know it's 3am. our conversation went from relationships between men and women these days - religion - our family backgrounds - latin dancing. the man gave us latin dancing lessons. i'm high (not onlee from the long islands i drank). i had a lot of fun.

i need to get some sleep. i gotta get up and go to a class in 3 hrs. shit. goodnite.

2002-09-22T02:55:00.000-07:00

b.fly collar boy was @ the writer's group this morn. i was surprised to see him. when the meeting was over we did some catching up. i haven't seen much of him since he got married. i saw him and his wife a month ago @ the last show. she's really beautiful. she's sweet too. i'm glad he's w/ someone genuine. he showed me and wiz one of his wedding pics (which he keeps in his wallet) and it brought tears to my eyes. anywayz, we're cool. it's still a lil awkward, but like w/ anything else time will take care of that.

moms came thru and we did some re.organizing around the apt. she focused on babygirl's room, while i focused on mine. i got rid of a lot of old clothes and threw a lot away. i'm feeling good. after she left i decided to tackle my yarn stash. i'm still organizing that after 2 1/2 hours.

i'm hungry.

2002-09-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

i got my ticket and i can't wait to get outta this place. *sigh*

um, i had a lot of shit to say but i guess now it really doesn't matter.

happy day y'all.

2002-09-17T16:03:00.000-07:00

fall is in full effect here. the skies r gray, rain falls on the regular, and the leaves r beginning to turn. the mountains look pretty. instead of that lush summer green, shades of yellows, oranges, and reddish browns occupy the rocky mass. i will miss the mountains when i finally leave this place. i've been surrounded by them since i was three years old.

2002-09-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

sakura's here y'all! she's finally here! check kkarms' pr guy for all the info.

2002-09-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

i'm hoping for a miracle. a financial one. the extra money i received three wks ago (money i was going to use for my ny trip) has dwindled down to an almost non.existent state. airfares r quite high @ the moment (i don't understand y that is either) and i'm wondering how i'm going to make this work and get to the east. i'm not giving up. i know things will work out.

i'm tired. my weekend was quite eventful. i've begun rockin my cooley high sweater w/ a funky scarf @ nite. it really isn't that cold, but since i'm recovering from a cold, staying warm is @ the top of my priority list. i need to eat sumthin.

i'm somewhat irritated w/ ppl @ the moment too. more and more everyday i wanna disappear. some days i don't know what the fuck i'm doing. i think that's y i feel like disappearing, if i spend more time focusing on self and my craft then i can build up my energy...get my self/thoughts in order so i can deal w/ everything and everyone.

i think i'm rambling.

new york, i'm coming to u...

2002-09-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

thank you...
zion for the info on the statue.
kyle for the mp3.

there was a full moon august 22. i cut my hand on that nite. mandara had some wild shit happen to her that day. anutha girl that was supposed to b @ the party didn't come bcuz a friend of hers was wanting to commit suicide. something strange happened to all of my guests that day. moon energy aint no joke (i like saying that).

i had a dream last nite that kkarms had her baby. i'm waiting patiently to hear the news.

2002-09-11T21:03:00.000-07:00

theraflu aint no joke. i'm 'bout to drink some now so i can feel betta tomorrow. i believe this is anutha sign that i need to slow down. my immune system is shit. i've been sick a lot this year. moreso than any otha year.

2002-09-10T15:52:00.000-07:00

i feel like shit bcuz i'm coming down w/ a cold. babygirl is too. looks like i need to get reacquainted w/ my herbs.

2002-09-10T09:49:00.000-07:00

i'm beginning to feel overwhelmed. i want to retreat to my bed and hide for a year. my life is so boring right now. wiz called me last nite and asked what's new in my life. i whined -same old stuff. most of the phone convo was spent w/ her talking. i didn't have much to say. she finally yelled, i want my old jackie back! i feel her. i want the old jackie back too. but ya know, i think it has sumthin to do w/ the cooler temps and shorter days (it's dark in the evenings now). around this time i always feel icky. my nails break, my skin is dry and breaks out, and i feel like a balloon.

i can't wait 'til this shit passes.

2002-09-09T22:55:00.000-07:00

i performed anutha search on the statue. the onlee goddess i could come up w/ is yemaja aka yemaya.

i'm sleepy. i'm going to bed.

2002-09-09T01:27:00.000-07:00

my hand is looking a lot betta since i got the stitches out. i'm amazed @ how fast it's healing.

friday, a coworker gave me a wood carved african statue. the only info she had on it was that it was made in ghana and it's called "the mother goddess". i'm taken w/ her. she's really beautiful. i'm not sure where i'm going to put her just yet, but for now she's chillin next to my front door. i wish i had more info. i did a search on google, but i can't seem to find a site that has pictures of african gods and goddesses (statues that is). i'm a lil frustrated, but i believe sumthin will turn up.

okay, i'm going to get back to work. scarves need to b made. peace.

2002-09-05T22:13:00.000-07:00

feeling kinda blah. i'm not sad or depressed. just tired. i should go to bed right this minute. should being the key word. ha.

all it does now is rain. babygirl says the air smells like watermelon after it rains. i always thought she was crazy, but u know what? my baby's right. when we walked outside this morn, the watermelon smell was strong. i love her.

2002-09-05T10:10:00.000-07:00

ppl actually read this. i'm buggin off of that. how r yall finding me? it's my website isn't it? shit.

i'm craving new music. i ordered the jazzies new joint. thinkin 'bout getting kyle's joint and the electric company's joint. music has been stale for quite some time and i'm finally @ a point where i don't know who's being played on emp-tv or k-wack. i need something to stimulate my ear drums man. i need something to make my insides quiver. feel me?

2002-09-04T01:12:00.000-07:00

today was a crazy and looooong day. my feet still hurt. i should really b in bed, but i couldn't sleep knowing my kitchen was a mess. i can always tell when depression sets in cuz my apt starts lookin like a hurricane hit it. so i cleaned up my kitchen. i can sleep in peace now.

mandara left today. i'm a lil sad, but i'm grateful @ the same time. grateful for a second chance to know her...grateful for all of our vibe sessions...grateful for all the fun. shit, this was a good summer. now it's come to an end (there was frost on my windshield this morn). neisha (our mutual friend) stopped by unexpectedly after taking mandara to the airport. looks like a second chapter has begun. we talked for hours and we've decided to fly to new york together. the trip is going to b awesome. there's so many things i wanna see and ppl i wanna meet.

so, i'm going to bed w/ thoughts of true friendship/sista.ship on my mind.

oh and for those who care, i figured out what i was doing wrong w/ my sewing machine and got the lining sewed in perfectly. i'm ready for anutha sewing project.

goodnite all.

2002-09-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

mandara leaves tomorrow. *frown* i'll b going thru withdrawals, i know it. then once i make it to new york and come back here, i'll b depressed for a year. haha, not a year, but damn it'll sure feel like a year. i've spent my labor day finishing up mandara's order. i'm really pissed off w/ my sewing machine @ the moment. all i want to do is sew a lining in her bag. that's it. but i've threaded the bobbin wrong or sumthing. so the thread gets hung up and then i have a big tangled/knotted mess. anywho, i'm giving myself anutha hour and if i still can't get it to work, the bag will b lining-less.

i'm diggin the cool, crisp fall weather we've been having. today has been exceptional cuz instead of rain, the sun is out in full effect. it's comfy. ooh, great picture taking weather. i gotta get on that.

2002-09-02T00:55:00.000-07:00

i'm in pain. i just spent two hours in the ER waiting to get my stitches out. i could've waited two extra days and went to a clinic, but it was starting to irritate me, so... i must say that getting the stitches removed hurt worse than cutting my hand. i'm ready to go to sleep now. i'm seriously thinking about putting my needles/hooks down for 2-3 weeks. the less i have to use my thumb, the faster i'll heal.

goodnite.

2002-09-01T06:32:00.000-07:00

word to the wise
brothas when u see a lady u like, don't go up to her and say, "u's a big, healthy woman just the way i like 'em." and "u's hairy too!" this mofo said those words to me tonite and what do u think my reply was? fuck u man! he actually thought he was complimenting me. so sad. so very very sad.

:::

tommy where r u?

2002-08-31T12:34:00.000-07:00

i'm a b.gyrl in my dreams.

1130am and i have no energy. i just wanna stay in bed...chill in my drawls all day. that won't happen cuz a lot needs to b done. i need to clean out babygirl's closet and drawers. gotta get rid of all the clutter. maybe i'll feel betta afterwards.

i'm looking forward to tonite's speak easy show. mandara is bringin her guitar and she's singin a song she just wrote. miss neisha is going to bless the mic (finally!) and of course, wiz and c will b doing their thing. me? i'm just going to chill tonite. i don't feel like being out in the public's eye. so i'll b in a corner somewhere observing.

aight, i'm off to get my day started. lata.

2002-08-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

tommy r u out there? i know u r. *smile* the postcard was a lovely surprise. thank u much. e-me, k?

2002-08-27T16:15:00.000-07:00

i got some time to jot down some things that were in my head. i gotta do my part for the site and get some new bags and hats designed, made, and photographed. i've found a partner to do the "hats for the homeless" w/. my girl zee had the same idea and was amped up 'bout it when i shared my thoughts. so it's on!

everything is falling into place man. looks like my trip to new york is going to happen. i'm looking to be there october 17-22. as soon i get my stitches out, i'm going to b a busy woman.

sending love to u kkarms. kwasi where u @?

2002-08-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

my hand is feeling a lil betta. i've managed to make 2 hats so far. i'm goin to chill tho cuz i don't wanna pop my stitches.

anywayz, my day has been shitty. i walked into the office and was instantly disgusted. i really hate my job. i know deep down inside that i should b doing sumthin else. i'm not happy. when i thought 'bout how unhappy i was w/ this job, i got a lil teary eyed. things gotta change. all i can think 'bout is how many hats i'd need to sell in order to live. gettin a part time job has even crossed my mind. i don't know what i'm goin to do. aint nuttin worse than feeling trapped in a job u hate.

to add to my frustration, i went to the mall to buy jeans. flare legged jeans are no more. it's out of "style" so nobody is makin them the way i like them anymore - tight in the thigh, bell bottomed leg. old navy didn't have them so i went to the gap just to see. theirs were okay, but i refuse to pay $42 for some jeans. the extra perky sales girl asked me how i was doing and i replied, "shitty". i then shared my frustration w/ her. i swear i feel like i need to lose 100lbs and learn how to sew so i can have the clothes i want. i feel like everything is going back to that anyway.

2002-08-23T22:17:00.000-07:00

the party was a success. ten minutes into it however, i cut my hand tryin to open my kitchen window. see, my landlord recently painted the building and in the process painted my windows shut. i thought if i just gave the window a few good pushes, i would break the seal and thus get some fresh air flowing (cuz it felt like africa in my spot). not the case. the window broke and next thing i know, i'm looking @ a very deep cut and blood was everywhere. my girls took me to the ER and the party continued. haha. i was so excited 'bout having the party i wasn't about to let my injury get in the way of having a good time. we took goofy pictures in the waiting area and in the back where i got my hand stitched up (6 stitches). an hour and a half lata, we were back @ my spot eating and drinking (i didn't get any drugs for the pain).

we watched the movie and i love it even more bcuz of the dope knitwear and crocheted hats that were shown. i'm looking @ this incident as a sign that maybe i need to slow down a bit. i'm a lil bummed bcuz i can't knit or crochet @ the moment. folks that know me know that i can't function if i don't have a needle or hook in my hands.

anyway, the girls r coming back over tonite. we're goin to eat some more (lots of food was left over) and watch half baked.

2002-08-22T16:59:00.000-07:00

i need more floor pillows. so much needs to b done w/in the next 2 hours. i know the "clem" in me will show her face and i'll b runnin 'round like a mad woman until my company arrives.

2002-08-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

song of the morning: anger, marvin gaye

y do folks in "higher" positions think they can talk to u any kind of way bcuz u don't make as much money as them? muthafuckas. once a month i have to deal w/ this asshole of a man @ my job. he's always difficult and asks me to do things (i pay some invoices for his program) that is against federal regulations. no matter how many times me, my coworker, and our boss tells him NO, he keeps asking. when he can't get his way, he sends nasty emails. i shouldn't let it get to me, cuz i know i'm not in the wrong.

the last couple of days has been a blast. mandara rolled thru tues nite. we smoked a lil and found ourselves @ the grocery store @ 1am buying ice cream. we tore it up. ben and jerry's karamel sutra is so good. try it, if u haven't already. last nite, we went on our mission to find mahogany (since the party is tonite). it was looking bad for a moment. not one video store here carries the movie. we were pissed. so, the mahogany party turned into the wiz party. that was short lived, cuz the movie had been rented. so, we then decided that we didn't need a movie cuz we'd all b drunk and not watchin it anyway. haha. mandara tells me that our boy ira would b @ the whaler lata on. we stopped by for a second to say hello. so me and ira r talkin and i tell him 'bout the party and how we couldn't find the movie. he then says to me, "i bought that movie two weeks ago." i jumped outta tha bar stool i was sittin in and hugged him. the party is on! pray my chicken wings come out okay.

2002-08-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

it's sad when u go out and can't enjoy urself w/o getting drunk. i realized this friday nite. i woke saturday w/ that on my mind. i think it's time to go underground. i've wasted too much time and money @ tha so called club. i spent my saturday afternoon laying in bed, staring @ tha ceiling. i read, listened to some music, and thought ( i think too much.). i didn't want to do anything. for once, i just wanted to b alone. i think i'm ready to make tha changes i've been thinkin 'bout for so long.

my bro called. tha power of tha mind is a beautiful thing. we caught up for a bit and then i told him everything i wanna do w/ my life. he was encouraging and gave me some things to think about.

i'm still waking up. mandara was over 'til 3am. u would think we'd run outta things to talk 'bout, cuz we sit and talk for hours on end. i will definitely miss that when she's gone.

happy moon.day.

2002-08-16T15:09:00.000-07:00

i overslept this morn thinking it was my friday off. i'm ready to leave tha spot and start my weekend. coworker d spends all of his days bitchin and moanin 'bout customers, government policies (which we r supposed to abide by), and coworker m. coworker m walks 'round all day w/ a discman strapped to her side singin loudlee thru tha halls. some days she even colors (yes, she's brought coloring books to tha office) and on otha days (like today) she creates signs and banners for everybody in tha office. me? well, i spend most of my time staring off into space or reading a plethora of blogs. tha rest of my time is spent wishing that coworker d would shut tha hell up and coworker m (she has her bad days too) would retire.

2002-08-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

my hats for tha homeless idea is takin off. i've onlee mentioned it to a few ppl and they seem really excited 'bout it. mandara informed me that i could get a grant. i gotta look into that.

c should b home from nationals sunday. i can't wait to hear about her experience there. i'm so excited for her.

steve leaves for cuba tomorrow. have a safe trip punk! :oP

thanx for tha info kkarms. 'preciate it.

nsa, where u beez? i know u're workin and beez tired. just wanted to say "helloo" (picture that in a high pitched english accent, k?)

next thursday will b tha mahogany party. it'll include me and five otha females, lots of food, some alcohol, and tha movie mahogany! diana ross was so fly in that flick. it's been my favorite ever since i saw it tha first time. i think it fueled my dream of becoming a fashion designer. nah, i know it did. tha rainbow dress man. tha rainbow dress.

2002-08-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

i miss my brother.

it's funny, all we seemed to do is fight while we were growing up. shit, we even fought tha day he left for atlanta. i remember tellin him i was glad his ass was leaving. it's been 5 yrs and i miss his ass terribly. i need to call him.

i decided i'm goin to make hats and scarves (maybe mittens too) for tha homeless. this is cool. i'm feeling good about this.

2002-08-14T10:40:00.000-07:00

last nite, this brotha called my house askin if he could ask me some questions for a survey. y did he have to sound so good? his voice was deep, raspy, just muthafunkin sexy. ummm ummm ummm. i was on tha phone w/ babygirl so i couldn't talk. he's supposed to call me back tonite. i just wanna hear his voice again. haha.

is it just me or does it seem like a lot of children r being abducted? what's goin on right now? i don't understand.

i wanna get active in my community somehow. maybe i'll make hats for tha homeless. gotta think on that. r u active in ur community? if so, what do u do?

:::

i am tha black gold of tha sun...

2002-08-12T16:47:00.000-07:00

time is flying by. tick tock. tick tock.

i would luv to get thru this book. man. i gotta take things one day @ a time. so much needs to b done w/in tha next couple of weeks. i'll do my best not to go nuts in tha meantime.

rain rain go away...

2002-08-12T11:17:00.000-07:00

i'm rockin a scarf today. it's been madd chilly (tha rain is to blame). i'm sad to say that summer seems to b over with. *sigh*

tha weekend was cool. i managed to clean up my crib, cook a slappin pot of black eyed peas, and get some crochet/knit work done. wiz and i went out saturday nite. i fussed a few guys out. onlee bcuz i was stood up that nite (tha reason for me goin to tha club). i never get asked out. i don't know if tha men here r intimidated or what, but if i like a guy then i'm usually like, "hey, let's go out sometime." i'm tired of that shit. when will i b asked out? i'm dateable, damn! so anyway, i fussed some guys out @ tha club cuz they (they being guys i know) would come up to me and b like, "w'sup j? yo, what's ur friend's name?" "j, hook me up w/ ur friend." man fuck that! so me already being upset i gave this reply, "u interested? then u need to walk ur ass over to her and get tha info ur muthafuckin self." oh i forgot, this started happening after this guy i can't stand starts yellin my name and tellin me to come to him. i ignored him for a while. again, if he wanted to talk to me, then he could walk his ass over to me. finally, he comes and tells me his friend wants to talk to me. "does ur friend have a mouth?" was my reply. my evening was like that most of tha nite but i did surprisingly manage to get my dance on and trip out w/ a few old friends.

c is leavin for nationals today. i'm so happy for her. she's got her chapbooks ready and funky wardrobe packed. i'm supposed to b givin her some of my business cards, but i onlee have five left. i guess i gotta get creative. tha clock is tickin. tick tock. tick tock. mandara will b nyc bound on tha third. i will b there in october. it'll b nice if i can go on this trip and not feel rushed. i don't want to plan a thing. i just wanna fly by tha seat of my pants and experience as much as i can.

i'm tired man. happy monday.

2002-08-09T01:20:00.000-07:00

i should b asleep. but i'm off tomorrow and i usually try to stay up 'til tha buttcrack of dawn. i don't know y i do it, cuz then i spend most of my off day walkin 'round like a zombie. anywho, monkey shines is on tha boob tube. i rememba this flick scarin tha shit outta me when i first saw it. so 8-9-10 yrs lata, i'm watchin it and wondering if i'll still b freaked out.

i'm in tha middle of making sakura's sweater (again). w/ this sweater she will get tha gift of persistence. cuz lawd knows my heart was broken when tha first one got stolen. i hope it fits. it would suck if it didn't.

let me get back to work.

2002-08-08T09:49:00.000-07:00

yeah, life is a game, but the opponents look like us… werd.

2002-08-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

life is slowly gettin back to normal. after callin tha phone company twice and going to tha office twice, my phone is finally on. i told three ppl my phone was back on and next thing i know, my phone was ringin off tha hook. i must admit i didn't miss that.

in tha midst of my "what tha fuck do i stand for?" stage i ate a b l t. i questioned y i didn't eat pork and red meat. um, i remember y now. cuz that shit is gross! i've been coughin up lil pieces of stuff for two days now. i say stuff cuz i don't know what it is. it could b gizzards or sumthin. i've come to my senses now. i won't go there anymore.

my hands r tired from making this. i'm making my gift for assata tonite (whateva it may b).

2002-08-06T09:50:00.000-07:00

again, i have to say i loved tha celestine prophecy. i also have to say that i hated tha way it ended. it ended quite abruptly and left me yelling @ tha air like a crazy woman, "that's it?!!!!" after venting to mandara, she brought tha sequel over. i'm happy once again.

oooh, i brought my digi cam to work today. *gasp* tha hahra (um, horror).

2002-08-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

time is flying by. sheesh. i get paid tomorrow but i wonder if i can get away w/ writing a couple of checks to get my phone and cable on a day sooner. hmmm...

i went to a fundraising bbq for tha slam team on saturday. wiz and i went to give c support. i'm so proud of her. her words need to b heard outside of anchorage. i bought a dope picture of her that was taken @ tha grand slam in may. tha photographer himself was selling them. me being broke, i talked him down from $5 to $2. woohoo. oh, i found tha 5 bucks in my pocket while adjusting my belt. isn't it great when u find forgotten money?

buttafly collar boy was there too. he's married now and he's still an ass. i have to say that every once in a while. i found that i have no words for him anymore. i speak when i see him, but that's as far as it goes. i wish him and c luck @ nationals.

there were so many strange ppl @ tha bbq. i try and step outta my comfort zone and meet ppl i don't know, but that shit is hard. especially if they've been drinkin beer all day and all they can talk 'bout is how cool my hair looks or how i remind them of some black friend they once had. i'm surprised i lasted as long as i did. all in all i had a good time.

i'm dressed in green today. tha color of prosperity. ha! my flip flops echo thru tha halls when i walk. i get strange looks. i like my flip flops. fall is quickly approaching. i'm looking forward to my new york trip. i want it to happen so badly, i've been dreaming 'bout it. so therefore, it'll happen.

it's cloudy, i'm goin to lunch.

2002-08-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

i finished tha celestine prophecy. good book. it has me thinkin 'bout my destiny and what i believe in spiritually. which leads me to this. babygirl got baptised @ her father's church yesterday. when she told me i wasn't happy 'bout it. i grilled her on her reasoning behind it. i finally told her that if she felt good 'bout it, then i was happy for her. so she says to me, "u don't look happy." so lata on, it had me thinkin "where do i stand spiritually?" "what do i stand for period?!" so to figure this out, where do i start first?

i need some more books to read.

2002-08-01T23:39:00.000-07:00

we had tha best dinner @ mandara's tonite. she and her moms is always findin tasty recipes to try. tonite's dish was a confetti chicken bowl which was full of veggies, noodles, and of course...chicken. it was coupled w/ a greek salad (black olives...yum!). and for dessert...a coconut peach cake. i've got my slice in tha fridge now. mandara called a lil while ago to tell me tha cake didn't fully rise, so tha middle is doughey. that hurt my heart, but i will defintely be eatin tha peaches and cream off of it. today's been a good day.

here's a betta view of tha mountains for u. i'm sticky and i'm tired. tha shower is callin.

2002-08-01T10:08:00.000-07:00

okay, so i'm really reading tha celestine prophecy. it took four months to get into it, but i'm finally into it. it was a lil slow in tha beginning, but now tha action is in full effect so i can't put tha book down. i'm wondering how i will feel after i'm done. will my purpose be clearer?

tha sun is shining and i'm not stressing. everything will work itself out...it always does.

i'm goin to do a cleanse w/ mandara next week. i think i'm long overdue for one. my diet needs to change b4 winter comes. i'll need as much energy as possible to deal w/ tha shorter days.

2002-07-31T14:24:00.000-07:00

whateva illness i'm getting over, babygirl now has. luckily it isn't as bad as what i went thru. financially, things r outta whack. my phone is disconnected, cable got turned off yesterday, i'm a lil behind on rent, my car needs gas, and i barely have any food to cook. how did it get like this? i'm amazed i still have i.net access. i'm tired of livin paycheck to paycheck. when will that stop? it seems like as soon as i take two steps forward, sumthin happens to put me four steps backwards. bills consume me. will i have to work my 9-5, get a 6-9, and make my own business happen for me to get ahead in life?

otha than dealing w/ my financial woes, i'm enjoying the rest of tha summer. usually august is cold and rainy. i'm hoping that will b different since tha weather has been outstanding tha last few days. yesterday, i went to mandara's house. we sat in her backyard...i knitted while she sang and played her guitar. it was nice. i'm goin to have a get.togetha @ my crib b4 she leaves. i'm thinkin of a way i can get to new york in october. i'm entering a hat contest and will like to see tha otha entries PLUS visit mandara. i'm goin to make it happen.

2002-07-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

i feel so bad. i think i got some kind of stomach flu. i haven't had much of an appetite, but when i do eat my stomach starts doing flip flops. my body's goin thru some detoxifying process and i'm doin my best to think 'bout it in that way. cuz lord knows i feel like shit.

2002-07-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

after working nonstop for 6 hours, i'm ready to stop and go home. my mind is beginning to drift. all i can think 'bout is sleepin in tomorrow (3 day weekend!). i've got anutha massage scheduled tomorrow afternoon and i really really need it. i've got knots everywhere.

my parents' returned from their trip yesterday. i should've been on that trip, but i wasn't too thrilled 'bout goin to see a lot of relatives i don't know. my daddy is so funny. after i scooped them up from tha airport, we went to kfc so they could get some grub. moms gets outta tha car, i'm chillin in tha back workin on my new sock, and dad is checkin his messages on his celly. out of nowhere he says, "jackie, ur mama is sumthin else." i smiled. he then began talkin 'bout this dress she bought for tha reunion dinner. "ur mama bought this dress and it was beautiful" "and she looked good in it too." haha. i love that. when i leave here, i'm goin over to their house so i can peep out tha dress.

2002-07-23T17:27:00.000-07:00

so i'm smiling today. i like myself a whole lot more when i smile and laugh crazily. my new workload is getting a lil more easier to deal w/. so maybe that's y i'm in a good mood. i don't know.

my boy ess is goin to cuba soon. he's getting togetha a book of poems/letters/drawings (from his friends and whoeva else is interested) for sista assata shakur. i'm goin to participate but i'm not sure what i'm goin to make.

mandara is moving back to new york in four weeks. i wanna go. :o(

2002-07-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

somebody left some peanut m&ms on my desk. that's sweet. dontcha think?

2002-07-22T14:51:00.000-07:00

lauryn appeared in last nite's dream. she looked really distraught and irritated. i don't remember where we were. it felt like we were @ a children's recital or sumthin of that nature. when it was over she came up to me and asked me how long i'd been growing my locks. i answered. she then started to tell what was goin on in her life. she didn't get too far cuz sumthin distracted her and she walked away. i think i woke up after that.

my spirit has been low since thurs. nite. i'm doing my best to look @ things in a positive way. but today i just wanna curl up in my bed and sleep. cry some too. so much happened over tha weekend. i'm mentally/emotionally tired. i feel like i'm moving in circles and that i will never elevate to tha next level in my life. i don't like feeling like this.

tha highlite of my sunday was goin to potter's marsh and watching tha salmon swim upstream. mandara came w/ me for tha ride. it was hella windy, but warm enuff to deal w/ it. we wondered what was up w/ tha fish bcuz they all congregated by tha bridge. they just seemed to b floating in place. i found out today that they were probably laying eggs. that made my heart smile a lil.

i'm counting tha minutes until i can leave work. everything seems to b crumbling around me @ tha moment. it'll all work out, i know this.

2002-07-19T09:35:00.000-07:00

i tried gettin into tha building this morn. i couldn't cuz i realized that tha key that i use is missing bcuz my wallet is missing. i remember putting it in tha stolen bag bcuz it weighed my purse down. so my wallet is gone. luckily, tha only thing missing is my checkbook. i keep my ids and atm card seperate and had those in my purse.

i'm goin to try and have a good day but right now, i'm not being too successful.

2002-07-19T02:12:00.000-07:00

i was flyin high yesterday. i went to nordstrom to get my makeover. my girl hooked it up. i walked out feelin good. but when i turned tha corner, i saw tha passenger side door to my car sittin wide open. i looked and saw my cd/stereo still in place. my bag of hats were still there, but my backpack w/ some of my knitting projects were gone. tha baby sweater i was makin for baby sakura is fuckin gone. i had just bought buttons for that shit earlier that day. i'm so heart broken. i didn't leave tha car unlocked. i left tha windows cracked a lil bit. i know good and well i couldn't get my arm thru, so i didn't think anybody else could. i'm so pissed. maybe i'm being naive, but i've never experienced this before. and to b honest, i think if my cd player was stolen i wouldn't b trippin so hard. it just hurts cuz i put so much time, energy and luv into tha pieces i had in that bag. and all some careless muthafucka could think 'bout is how much money i had in that bag. he/she probably took it w/o even lookin inside. i know if were to steal some stuff outta someone's car, i'd @ least make sure i had sumthin of material value. ya know?! i drove around downtown for a while tryin to spot somebody walkin 'round w/ my bag or to see if i could find my stuff layin on tha side of tha street somewhere.

i've been drinkin all nite. i know it's not tha best way to deal w/ tha situation, but hey, i needed to numb tha pain for a bit. that shit definitely ruined a great day. tha show was tight tho'. everybody did their thang and inspired me to write a lil sumthin. i'm missin my ex and i wish he was here right now to comfort me. i just wanna b held man, that's all. i saw b.fly collar boy and all he could say to me is "i'm sorry u heard from somebody else". that's it. i got on him lata and said my piece. i wish i could hold grudges longer than 2 days. what is tha lesson in all of this shit?

2002-07-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

lightning flashed and thunder roared thru alaskan skies last nite. i loved every freakin minute of it. thunder and lightning is kinda unheard of here. it hovered over tha mountains for a while and then that big ole nasty cloud travelled westward bringin a lil rain. i saw a rainbow! two actually! i believe rainbows r signs of good things to come. i've been in a shitty mood all week. today, everything is sunshine and light w/ me.

i'm amped up 'bout c's show/party. my girl mandara will b singing. she sung a song acapella @ tha rehearsal and i had instant goosebumps as soon as i heard tha first note. she's dope. wiz will b doing her thang as well as miss c. my girls have madd talent. i promised mandara i'd leave my sock @ home --rememba i knit everywhere i go. lol. all i can think 'bout is my outfit and tha m a c makeover i'm getting b4 tha show. i'm playin dress up tonite. good times r ahead. yes siree!

2002-07-17T13:35:00.000-07:00

where did my appetite go?

c has been planning a party for tha release of her chapbook and cd. it's tomorrow nite and i can't wait to get my dance on. it'll b mostly music and dancing w/ "spoken word intermissions". it should b dope. hopefully, folks will want to come out on a thursday nite.

i'm still highly irritated w/ b.fly collar boy. he told c! y does he want to keep it a secret from me? i don't understand. he's supposed to b @ c's dress rehearsal tonite, so let's see if he says sumthin (that's if he shows up).

tha weather has been nice. real nice for july. next month will probably b cold and rainy. august usually is. it'd b cool if i could experience an indian summer up here. okay, i'm done rambling.

i gotta write assata...

2002-07-16T14:36:00.000-07:00

i found out a couple of days ago that buttafly collar boy is getting married. not to tha bucketheaded girl he's been seein all of this time, but to his college sweetheart who lives in anutha fuckin state. what is up w/ that? he's supposedly flying to cali to get married and then he's bringin sistagirl back to ak w/ him. i'm hurt. not bcuz i was feeling him heavily, but bcuz i thought we were friends first and that he would tell me. he hasn't told me yet. he's getting married in 10 days and he hasn't told me. wiz found out thru tha grapevine and we didn't believe it until one of his friends told us. damn. he's such an ass. i guess u just neva really know a person. damn.

2002-07-16T11:47:00.000-07:00

my weekend was awesome. tha weather here has been amazing and i've found myself wrappin up in sarongs and lettin my shoulders show. i went to tha saturday market for tha first time this season. i walked 'round and checked out tha new booths. lots of cool artistry. i grabbed sumthin to eat and ran into this guy i met @ tha forest fair. we sat in tha grass talked for 'bout an hour. man, i'm still recovering from tha forest fair. i had so much fun. lata on that nite, i went to tha comedy show. that's one thing we get a lot of up here...comedians. somebody's always showcasing comic view and def jam comedians. anywayz, wiz was supposed to host tha show so i got access to tha "v i p" section (which has always been bullshit to me). i sat in tha room for a bit and knitted a hat. i went into tha theatre to watch tha show and knitted my hat. tha show was alright. tha after party was hilarious. i just sat in a corner and watched a lot of desperate females throw themselves @ tha so.called "celebrities". tha nite was a trip. it really was.

business has picked up a bit. looks like i will have a place to showcase my wears @ tha end of this month. i'm really excited 'bout it. everything is falling into place man.

2002-07-13T15:26:00.000-07:00

i got a massage yesterday. i have to treat myself to that on tha regular. i felt like a brand new person afterwards.

2002-07-11T00:10:00.000-07:00

this is tha view of tha mountains from my apt.

things @ work have picked up a bit. after tha last evaluation, tha bosslady said she was goin to increase my workload. that's sumthin i've been wantin for a while now. so, tues. it happened. i have more responsibilities and a better chance @ gettin a promotion. i was a lil stressed yesterday and was wishin i neva would have opened my mouth. but that's passed. i know that this is best and that i'll b happier w/ a new challenge.

2002-07-10T10:11:00.000-07:00

babygirl is lockin her hair. i'm rocking tha ponytails cuz she wanted us to look tha same today. man, she even had me sew a cowrie shell in hair (lookin like her mama). she's so wonderful. beautiful. full of lite. i luv her.

i'm still high from my weekend in tha woods. i think my hair grew an inch during those two days. my nails grew a lot too. i'm trippin. i finally broke out this season's fader. two words: kassa korley. he's a chess playin 8 yr old (prodigy?). i've neva been interested in chess but after readin about him, i'm curious to know what tha attraction is.

big ups to holly and her divine butterfly crew. y'all r doin it!

ani difranco...um, i've been sleepin on her. dopeness i tell ya, dope.ness! she's comin to anchortown next month. me, mandara, and c r goin to check her out. lookin forward to it.

2002-07-08T00:58:00.000-07:00

i'm high...naturally
i'm home after a long weekend in girdwood. tha forest fair was awesome. it's held in a park which is nuttin but trees and bike trails. a stage was built for live music and booths were placed along side tha trails. it was beautiful! tha ppl were so nice. positive vibes were everywhere. i found myself smiling for no reason and ppl smiled back @ me. ppl spoke to me w/ luv. i needed that. i sold a lot. ate a lot. danced a lot. walked a lot. this trip was definitely an experience. i slept in my car tha whole weekend. camping was available to tha vendors. but since i've neva camped a day in my life, i lacked tha necessary equipment to do so. i gotta go back. there's sumthin 'bout girdwood. it could possibly b that tha town is right smack in tha middle of a mountain range. tha mountains were so close and so huge that they looked fake...computer generated. beautiful, i tell ya. of course, i suck cuz i forgot my camera and didn't take any pictures.

i came home w/ cool stuff (bartering is good), made some new friends, and came home w/ a sense of peace.

--i'd like to breathe. my allergies got tha best of me tha whole weekend w/ stuffy nose and ears. when will it end?

2002-07-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

i'm not as young as i used to b
oh hell no siree. there was a time i could stay out all nite, get my party on, and go straight to work w/o sleep. those days r over. mandara came thru and we had our longest rap session yet. i looked @ tha clock once and it was 1030pm. next thing i know, it's 630am and i have to get ready for work. damn. i was full of energy when i left tha house. but that energy slowly started leaving me while on tha way to work. i'm praying this caramel mocha (w/ an extra shot) i'm sippin on will give me tha boost i need.

babygirl is going to fairbanks w/ her dad today. i'm a lil bummed, just cuz this situation brings back tha foul taste i had in my mouth during our nasty custody battle. i think i spent part of tha nite talkin to mandara 'bout it. i mean, i know i didn't have to allow babygirl to go, but she really wanted to and i've never been one to keep her from her dad or him from her. i wonder if he really sees that. i wonder if he appreciates tha cooperation i've given him (even when he didn't deserve some of it).

femi kuti is singing 'bout africa someday being free and united...i'm waiting for tha caffeine to take its affect.

2002-07-01T04:01:00.000-07:00

it's july first. damn.

this is a picture of tha fountain in tha middle of town square in downtown anchorage. i went to check out tha first annual hispanic american festival. it was so dope. i was amped up off of tha music and watchin ppl dance. i saw a vendor sellin mangoes too. i've neva seen mangoes here. maybe i haven't been to tha right places. i shoulda bought one.

2002-07-01T03:55:00.000-07:00

sea gulls fly above my head
tha sun sets pink
while tha clouds b fluffy & white
snakes in tha grass rattle loudly
while i look for peace of mind...

2002-06-28T03:51:00.000-07:00

it's 240 in tha a m. thank goodness i'm off. oh, i do have to get up and make a visit there very early. my office is cookin breakfast on tha grill. i may stay, but since it's so late and i'm still up, i probably won't. mandara just left. we always spend hours upon hours talkin 'bout life, relationships, and our ambitions. i think having her in my life has helped me put things in perspective. like go after my dreams...that i can do it (waterboy stylee!). so much has been put b4 me w/in tha last couple of weeks. i feel my faith being restored. what's that saying? "let go and let god". i'm doing that now. even when i start stressin now, sumthin happens to make me see that there's no need for tha stress or tha worry and that everything will b fine and work itself out.

so, i'm not goin on my trip to atlanta in august. i'm goin to keep my butt stationary for a minute so i can leave alaska. this will take place next summer. no more excuses. no more worries. i will b okay and my babygirl will b too.

goodnite/morning.

2002-06-27T09:05:00.000-07:00

took tha afternoon off yesterday. it was so great. mike and i went to lunch to celebrate his "freedom" (i had tha best coconut rice - yum!). after we left each otha, i went and hung w/ mandara. she's so dope man! she keeps tellin me i gotta come to new york. i will...maybe next summer. i miss new york.

@ work - i'm actually awake and got here on time - and i just read an email 'bout performance evaluations. i totally dread this time. tha bosslady always surprises us w/ them. then she comes up w/ crazy questions regarding our jobs. i guess she tries to keep it interesting. one of tha questions...what impact, if any, did 9/11 have on ur job and how u performed ur job?. ummm, it didn't have any impact? i gotta get a new job. i know it deep down inside. y am i hangin on?

tha fair is next weekend. ugh! i met w/ tha sis i'll b sharing tha booth w/. she's relieved that i have a lot of stuff. i've been wearin myself out worrying that i won't have enuff to fill my part of tha booth. in my mind, i don't, but she thinks it'll b fine. we're goin to meet tomorrow and spend tha day crocheting. she lives 30 min outside of town up in tha hillside (lower mountain area) and i told her i'd b willing to make tha drive. it's good to get out of town every once in a while. we gotta find tables and decorate tha booth (i totally forgot 'bout that). i will have to camp out there (girdwood) too. i've neva camped a day in my life. this will definitely b a new experience (this is a time i wish i had a truck).

well, i gotta go prepare my answers for tha evaluation. oh, yarn.fiend has a new home....if anybody's interested.

2002-06-26T01:28:00.000-07:00

i know, i know, i should have my behind in bed, but i can't help but play w/ my digi cam. i'm still not sure of everything it can do. thinkin 'bout carrying it 'round w/ me so i can take pics of this luvlee city i live in. u guys gotta see tha mountains. u just gotta. anywho, i'm goin to bed.

2002-06-25T15:05:00.000-07:00

i'm writing this after checkin out tha "lesson" on okp. i bought instant vintage and i want my fuckin money back. y do ppl love this album? it's lacking so much.

tha same goes for tha neptunes. ll cool joe (this cutie patootie that works in my office for tha summer) let me listen to his copy of n e r d and i was so disappointed. argh!

2002-06-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

i spoke w/ babygirl this morn. she was in tha middle of writing tha lyrics to amel's "searchin for my soul". she luvs that song. she told me she was writing tha words down bcuz she was starting to forget it. that's so cute.

i'm a fuckin wreck. physically that is. i have no energy. i'm still sneezing like crazy. i'm stressed. i'm getting ready for tha girdwood forest fair. my hands have been workin overtime. there just aren't enuff hours in tha day man. i shouldn't feel that way. i shouldn't keep overextending myself. so if i feel stressed, it's my own doing. i get this way sometimes. i need to take a fuckin break. go take a walk or sumthin.

i absolutely love my friends! (see i'm not depressed, i'm still laughing and full of smiles) c came thru last nite w/ a bag of goodies....for me! she went to tha thrift store. saw some stuff that screamed butta.fly and she bought them. she blessed me w/ two real funky dresses and a doodoo brown, buttafly collar leather jacket. is she dope or what? that onlee thing i can wear outta tha bunch is one of tha dresses. *smile* c told me to keep them anyway. she's so sweet.

i cooked last nite. haven't cooked in over two weeks. i've been cravin veggies. so i made teriyaki stir fry w/ tofu. y don't i eat tofu on tha regular? i absolutely love tha stuff. anywayz, it was tha bomb. i was good and full and made enuff to last me a couple of days.

speak easy is sunday. this time there's an all male roster. tha women will do open mic. i wonder how this show will turn out.

peace ppls.

2002-06-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

i need a massage. i slept really hard last nite and now i have a bad crook in my neck. tha crook is causing a headache. i shoulda stayed home an extra day.

2002-06-24T01:47:00.000-07:00

my doorbell is tha onlee one that lites up in tha building. y do i like that so much? i feel like makin a blt w/ some non.pork bacon. i've been cravin stir fry too. today (sunday) was a lazy day. i slept until 1pm (i went on a "clubbing" binge this weekend) and then rushed over to my parent's house for sunday dinner. it rained. i ate good, crocheted some, took some grapes (dad always gets good fruit), and snuck out of tha house - they were napping. my evening was rather uneventful after that. i crocheted some more and mandara ended up comin thru. we went to tha movies and saw tha divine secrets of tha ya ya sisterhood. it wasn't what we expected. anywayz, tha rain has stopped. i don't want to go to work in tha morning.

2002-06-23T05:24:00.000-07:00

karma called me. i was asleep and absolutely surprised to hear his voice on tha otha end of my phone. even tho i had hoped he'd call, deep down i think i didn't expect him to. so when he asked if he called @ a bad time, i lied and said, "yea, i was on my out tha door." y did i do that?

2002-06-22T06:02:00.000-07:00

me and wiz went to bernie's tonite. it was my first time there. i felt a lil out of place being 'round so many white ppl, but in tha end i had a great time. i guess it's gay pride week or sumthin, so there was a lively crowd up in that piece. i was stalked all nite by this strange man that went by tha name of trace. dude was tall and lanky w/ a long, greasy ponytail. his voice was oddly high pitched, w/ a southern twang. and if that wasn't enuff dude wore a knockoff coogi sweater and some damn church shoes. if there was any time that i wish i didn't look so "exotic", now would've been a great time. homie was attracted to tha dreads and tha dashiki. he thought i wasn't american so that turned him on. yuck! tha dj played "strange" by cameo...that's my shit. of course i rememba tha damn video (it ran thru my head while tha song played). haha. this arab lookin brotha came my way when he saw me shake my hips a bit. turns out, he was from chile. he was there w/ his friend. michealangelo and carlos. carlos could hardly speak english. he managed to tell wiz she was beautiful. i asked michealangelo to say it in his native tongue. i couldn't rememba if chileans spoke portugese or spanish. i tried askin him if he spoke portugese and i got a kiss on tha cheek as my answer. he thought i said kiss. lol. whoa! after gettin my drink, carlos appeared and said salsa. i shook my head no, and he grabbed me by tha hand and started spinnin my ass. i guess i did alright, cuz he kept sayin "very good" over and over. haha. i also re.introduced myself to this tibetan man i met years ago. i worked w/ his sister @ tha hippie store back in '97. i had had a cup of liquid courage so i went up to him and said hello. tha first thing to come out of his mouth was "what's goin on beautiful rasta woman". i couldn't help but laugh. dude is/was so sexy to me. we talked for a bit, exchanged numbers. he wants to take me camping. i think that's funny since i hate bugs. but i'm down for experiencing new things. his name is karma. i think that's funny too. whew lawd! i need to take my azz to bed.

2002-06-21T02:23:00.000-07:00

i am really buzzin @ tha moment. my dinner date w/ c and b.fly collar boy was cool. but somewhere in tha middle of it i started feelin weird. not sad, but apprehensive. they got on tha subject of man vs. woman and tha whole relationship thang. i'm @ a point in my life where i can't necessarily take everything a man says to me seriously. it saddens me somewhat. maybe i'm still that naive 16 yr old who believed that love is supposed to b like it is on tv. all sweet and perfect. fuck that man! a relationship to me is a partnership. a union. balance should exist. i'm lookin for balance. some things have been revealed to me tha last couple of days. i can see shit clearly. tha coming winter will b my last. i'm moving next summer. that's it. even if i don't have a dime in my pocket. i gotta bounce. i also know that even tho' i truely want a man/partner/lover/friend and a strong, loving relationship...i'm not ready for it. timing is tha key, even tho' i'm hella impatient. call me veruka salt, k? *in a whiney voice* cuz i want it noooooowwww! haha. i gotta believe everything will fall into place. i just gotta.

if my thoughts seemed scattered, it's bcuz they r. i'm goin to bed now. i may expound lata.

2002-06-20T10:09:00.000-07:00

(i'm loving this pic)

somebody has suprisingly popped up into my life and he challenges me everyday. challenges me to speak my truths, share my thoughts. it's unnerving really...steppin out into tha unknown like that (for somebody like me who likes to "listen" and not "share").

it was rainy and cold yesterday. i guess we needed it, since there was a wildfire somewhere in tha state. it's supposed to b summer man. motha nature is playin tricks. either it's madd hot or madd cold. that aint cool.

capleton is playin. i should b workin but can't help but stare aimlessly off into space. my head is full of daydreams. i want dreadlocked babies (that's a whole 'nutha story). i want a partner. wire + beads = knitted neck pieces. my nails keep breaking. i've got a dinner date w/ c and b.fly collar boy. i gotta get some water.

2002-06-19T00:24:00.000-07:00

one reason y i luv havin my own apt. i can eat pineapple outta tha can w/o hearin clem fuss @ me. 'nuff said.

2002-06-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

national forests in alaska...

2002-06-18T09:57:00.000-07:00

tha sky looks weird. it's in a haze. tha sun is orange. w/o noticing, i happened to stand in tha orange glow and it was hot. what's up w/ that? trees must b burnin. that's probably y there's a haze.

wildfires make me nervous..more and more trees r lost each year. gotta do some research.

2002-06-17T11:11:00.000-07:00

daddy was real happy to see tha peanut clusters - there was an excitement there that i wasn't expecting. *smile* i'm glad he liked his gift.

my day was cool. i went to dinner w/ my folks. we ate way too much and found ourselves dozing off @ tha table. afterwards, i left them and visited my girl zee. we spent our time togetha sittin on a bench outside her apt complex, crocheting in tha 80 degree sun. it was cool. my skin has soaked up enuff rays to last me a few months. i've got some kind of heat rash bcuz of it and my allergies r beginnin to kick my azz. oh well. i'm goin to enjoy this while it lasts. rash and all.

my evening ended on a more somber note. sometimes i hate being alone. just anutha demon i have to fight. i felt like goin for a drive cuz tha silence in my crib was drivin me nuts. thinkin it was 9pm, i started gettin ready to go. then i looked @ tha clock, it was 11pm. tha midnite sun is so deceiving man. i stayed home and went to sleep instead. that was a good decision, cuz i woke up on time and got to work this morn on time.

2002-06-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

what do u get a man that has everything? my dad has everything imaginable. he works all of tha time, doesn't golf/fish/hunt. what do i get him for daddy's day? chocolate peanut clusters. i'm on a mission to find these tasty treats. i know he'd b satisfied w/ a card, but i won't b. chocolate peanut clusters r my dad's favorite. when i was little, he'd always have a bag of them somewhere (mostly in his truck) and he'd always let me and my brother have some. childhood memories have been flooding my brain lately. i wonder what's up w/ that.

2002-06-16T12:36:00.000-07:00

tha rain went away. it's been in tha 80s since friday. i hope it lasts.

i went to juneteenth. i walked 'round while knitting my sock. ate some good food. saw a couple of good acts perform. i even watched some kites float thru tha sky. there's supposed to b some kind of frisbee tournament happenin on tha park strip today. i may go watch...never seen that kinda thing b4.

i got some color. things r good.

2002-06-13T22:42:00.000-07:00

kids r so fuckin great man. i went to miss j's game tonite and her dad brought her sister linda.loo. tha game was @ this park close to tha inlet, so tha ocean and mountains were close by. instead of watchin tha game, i walked around this (large) park w/ linda. she says to me....miss jackie, can we go see tha pocean? isn't that cute? pocean. so we walked to tha bench area, sat down and looked @ tha pocean. she then started askin me if we could walk down and get in tha water. i told her no, tha water was yucky. so she says, well we can't get in tha water anyway cuz we got our clothes on. u go miss linda. it was cold and rainy. we sat in tha wet grass and watched tha game. well, not really. lol. i tried watchin and tried startin a hat. but tha crochet hook turned into a pen and then it turned into a shovel. i had madd fun in tha rain w/ a 3 yr old. next time i see her i have to bring a bag of big cheetos. babygirl was kinda pissed cuz i didn't see her whole game.

2002-06-13T16:53:00.000-07:00

@ lunch, my coworker walked up to me w/ a b.l.t. in his hands. he asks, "do u know what b.l.t. stands for?" big luscious tits.

gross right?

2002-06-13T11:51:00.000-07:00

a tape was made of tha last show. i got to see it. i am absolutely horrified! i looked fuckin huge man! i didn't even sound like me man! i told wiz if i catch tha camera guy filmin me @ tha next show, he's gettin knocked tha fuck out. werd.

juneteenth is happenin this weekend. i'm wondering how organized/educational/entertaining it will b. tha "celebration" has gotten worse as tha years have passed. i don't think too many ppl here know what juneteenth is really about. instead of it being fun and educational, tha organizers r onlee concerned w/ how much money they can make from sellin booths. so sad. i will b there for a short period of time friday and saturday. there's goin to b a spoken word hour that some of my friends r participating in.

yoooouuuu make me feeeel. myyyyy-ttt real! haha. sylvester is still singin in my head...tha video is playin too.

2002-06-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

while readin email, i heard tha sound of rain hittin tha pavement. i had to go outside and stand on tha stoop for a bit. it doesn't rain hard like that often. that was some georgia storm rain. i miss that.

2002-06-12T12:16:00.000-07:00

okay
since i've spent tha majority of my life in alaska, tv was my onlee link to tha outside world (aka tha lower 48, continental u.s.). actually cable tv was my link to tha outside world. MUSIC on b e t was my link. haha. old video shows like video soul (i had a crush on donnie simpson), video vibrations, and rap city. they need a vintage b e t channel...ya think?

remember sylvester? u make me feel...mighty real. what 'bout junior? mama used to say take ur time young man. how 'bout starpoint? i used to pretend to b tha lead singer. she was dope.

but sylvester...awww lawd sylvester. i need to find a greatest hits cd or sumthin. nsa has me rememberin some shit. haha!

more lata!

[ butta.fly tidbit ] i'll rememba an old skool video b4 i rememba tha name of tha song.

2002-06-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

saul is tha muthafuckin man
i know i'm all up on his jock, but i don't give a fuck. okay? ha! slam was on last nite. couldn't watch tha whole thing, but i stayed up long enuff for him to spit tha "amethyst rocks" joint in tha courtyard. yes yes yes. i still think bonz malone needs his own movie. dude has me laugin all tha time "nah, u can b minister of defense. minister of defense..BUT COULD FIGHT! how 'bout that?" lol.

i wish i would stop sneezing. i've been sneezing since i step foot off tha plane from dc. tha cottonwood trees have released that annoying white fuzz. so sneezing has been in full effect. i'm missing my brother. i'm missing ess w/ his crazy ass. he sent me some music (that's always good). meshell's new joint and spacek. i know soulmonkee #1 is diggin him. it's all so damn groovy.

it's too early in tha morn for me to b so hyped up.

2002-06-11T12:22:00.000-07:00

tha sea otter population has declined drastically. save tha sea otters! killer whales may b to blame.

i am so tired. i shouldn't have talked to mandara 'til 3am tha nite b4. but even when i go to bed @ a decent hour, i'm still tired. i've been dealing w/ this since jr. highschool. clem thought i needed to get my blood tested for whateva. after a while it was depression causing tha fatigue. now, i think it's my diet.

thinkin 'bout: goin to tha sealife center. i'm long overdue for a ride southeast (alaska that is)
listenin to: yesterdays new quintet

off to get my knit on - tha one thing i look forward to on my lunch hour.

---happy bday daddy!

2002-06-09T21:48:00.000-07:00

will they ever leave me alone? my parents and their friends that is. always gotta say sumthin 'bout my hair. y r older black folk afraid of embracing their (or anybody else for that matter) roots? when i cut all my hair (perm/relaxer) off and sported tha sinead/zhane look they thought i was crazy. then i sported tha t w a - teenie weenie afro, and they were somewhat okay w/ it. then i started twistin my hair and they lost their minds. my folks made sure to tell me i was ugly everyday. i had my locks for two years then i cut them. there was too much negativity around me and my hair started fallin out. thinkin cuttin my hair would satisfy my parents was wrong. they still bitched and moaned. three years ago i started growin my locks again w/ tha mindset that i'm goin to do what i wanna do-what feels good to me. they make comments, but they seem to b a lil more accepting since i have a lil length now. @ dinner today, i was sitting next to miss cille and i caught her staring @ my roots. i've got like 3 in. of new growth and all she could ask me was, can i get it to look like tha rest of my hair. lol. jesus! clem hates tha new growth too, but i decided not to twist my hair anymore cuz all it does is weaken tha root. i guess i should just accept tha fact that they are not going to change. i should just let it roll off my back (i'm gettin betta @ it).

after leaving them, i felt a lil more chill. i dropped babygirl off @ her grandma's and i went to tha mall and from there to borders. i luv hangin out in that place. i bought a book on sewing, tha new FADER, a mz. ripperton ceedee, and a brand new heavies joint.

words and sounds. words and sounds. do ya know where i can find a yoda tee?

2002-06-09T13:41:00.000-07:00

yoda is god
babygirl and i went to see tha new star wars flick. yoda is god to me now. homie was doin damage w/ that lite saber. didn't think he had it in him. i was diggin this joint betta than episode 1. more fight scenes. i wanna b a jedi. plain and simple. haha!

after that we went to my parent's crib. i had to watch tha fight w/ my daddy. deep down inside i was rootin for lewis, but i just knew mike woulda kicked a lil booty. not even a lil. what tha fuck was homie doin? they were hugged up most of tha fight. dad kept sayin, "that's what they supposed to do!" hell naw dad. lol. lederman wasn't @ tha fight w/ his scorecard, so dad filled in for him. lol.

not much is goinz on cuz sunday beez d lazy day. daddy's bday is tuesday, so moms is cookin up all kinds of tasty thangs today. tha crew has been invited to join tha festivities so i should have a belly ache (from laughing so hard) by tha end of tha day.

2002-06-07T12:07:00.000-07:00

words and sounds will get me thru this funk. it worked for me when i went thru that terrible custody battle (it damn sure was one) w/ j's father.

listenin to:
blackalicious
meshell n'degeocello
cee.lo
lauryn
bob marley

i'm not readin anything @ tha moment cuz i can't find my damn books. i'll b huntin them down cuz i've got these on my brain...

kebra nagast (glory of kings) -tha true ark of tha covenant - migel brooks
message to tha ppl - marcus garvey
sisters of tha yam & aint i a woman - bell hooks

2002-06-06T23:08:00.000-07:00

W O R D S...

iniquity . 1 : gross injustice : WICKEDNESS
2 : a wicked act or thing : SIN

dominion . 1 : DOMAIN
2 : supreme authority : SOVEREIGNTY
3 plural : an order of angels -- see CELESTIAL HIERARCHY
4 often capitalized : a self-governing nation of the Commonwealth of Nations other than the United Kingdom that acknowledges the British monarch as chief of state
5 : absolute ownership
synonym see POWER

content . satisfied

happiness . 1 obsolete : good fortune : PROSPERITY
2 a : a state of well-being and contentment : JOY b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience
3 : FELICITY, APTNESS

2002-06-05T16:38:00.000-07:00

it's been raining all day. i hardly ever look out tha window in tha mornings when i get up, so what did i pull outta tha closet? my white gauze kurta and linen pants. i look like i should b vacationing somewhere that is warm and tropical. lol.

i've fallen in luv w/ blackalicious' new joint -i still want a tee-.

:::

i'm feeling strangely inadequate. fuck. what am i supposed to do to get past this? tell myself i'm beautiful 50x a day? man. i think i'm goin to leave this thing alone for awhile. just about everything i've written is empty crap. *sigh*

2002-06-04T23:53:00.000-07:00

i feel like a balloon. my skin is extremely oily and two pimples have popped up outta nowhere. i hate when aunt flow visits. tha abnormally warm weather has left us. i miss it. tha sky has been gray and full of clouds tha last few days. tha wind blows cold. it's too damn breezy to say it's summer. i gotta hurry up and get to tha south. atlanta here i come.

babygirl is sleeping. i think i'm goin to sit outside and let tha breeze blow thru my hair. then meshell will sing me to sleep.

2002-06-04T16:18:00.000-07:00

disgruntled stickgirl has me rollin on tha daily.

[edit] url is fixed now [/edit]

2002-06-02T23:27:00.000-07:00

opinions r like assholes, everybody has one
leigh said that to me a lil while ago. i don't see my self as a great conversationalist. a lot of times i just sit and listen to whateva is being said amongst a group. i've always been that way. it's some deep rooted childhood shit that won't allow me to share my opinions/views. i told leigh i sometimes didn't think i had an opinion. maybe my definition of tha word is twisted.

2002-06-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

last nite, i went to a comedy show w/ mandara. wiz and c opened up w/ some spoken word. y did tha sound man have rnb joints playin loudlee while they were up? that shit pissed me off. it was annoying and distracting and outright disrespectful. but anywayz. tha comedians were three dudes of off bet's comic view. i've seen them all @ one point or anutha. i didn't think i'd find them funny, but i did. my stomach was hurting from all tha laughs. i even managed to cry from laughin so hard. y is it comedians get tha most laughs when they're clownin folks in tha audience? is it bcuz they get to say what everybody else is thinkin? probably.

after that, i took mandara home. had wiz in tha backseat feelin my-t right (no more alcohol for her). we decided to go to tha after hours joint. i don't know y we went. boredom took over i guess. i hate being so crunked up and having nowhere to go. that shit sucks azz. tha after hours spot was in some warehouse in a new location. they always move cuz tha cops r always shuttin them down. i was expecting a lot more ppl. usually it's packed from wall to wall and everybody's dancing. this was not tha case. tha comedians were even there and had tha nerve to have a v i p section upstairs on tha balcony where tha dj was set up. now how in tha hell u gonna have a v i p section in an old, fucked up warehouse. there were so many folks up on this lil azz balcony that security (yes, i said security) had to get all of tha "fans" back downstairs for fear of tha balcony collapsing. aint tha sumthin? i was so bored, i broke out my knitting needles (makin anutha sock). wiz, on tha otha hand had a great time. i should give up tha so called "club scene" in anchorage. it's too disappointing.

2002-05-31T13:12:00.000-07:00

i'm off today. woke up and quickly started crochetin some hats for roc. it's noon and i haven't eaten yet. guess i will grill some toast and then go wash my hair. tha sun is shinin. yay! i'll b off to tha yarn store to vegetate on tha couch and knit w/ whoeva happens to b sittin 'round tha table. i luv that. i meet somebody new everyday. yesterday, it was this older woman visiting from england. she asked what "cool" meant. we (me and tha owner) asked what they would say instead and she said, "oh splendid". haha. i'm goin to wear sumthin hellafied funky. probably won't match @ all. it's that kinda day. werd.