after a relationship ends, is it possible to remain friends w/ ur lover?

i've been thinkin about this a lot lately cuz even tho' me and my ex aren't together anymore, i still want him in my life. he was/is my best friend. i neva imagined i could have a strong connection w/ a person.

...
he b me
i b him
i n i groove to tha same tune.
he b tha pineapple on my pizza
tha vanilla in my lip gloss
tha funky to my fresh.

my veggie quiche was gross.
tha eggs were too fluffy/creamy/bland

i've met some pretty fresh ppls via tha www.
thinkin 'bout visitin canada. i mean it is next door. y shouldn't i go.
i would like to visit toronto, vancouver, and ontario...see how folks out there get down.

...
still explorin. still searchin.

today is wednesday
but feels like monday.
yuck!

i'm worn out like my steve madden boots.
want somebody to talk to.
can't focus on my work @ this moment.

i'm sooooo tired.
and bloated.
and nauseous.

thai food and brownies don't mix. i've over done it with tha sugar these last 5 days. i feel really bad. loneliness is settin back in. maybe it's tha PMS. i don't know. got a lot on my mind.

i should've taken tomorrow off too.

last day
tonite tha fam is leavin. so today we're keepin it simple. goin to walk around downtown and check thangs out. i'm happy i got to spend this time with my fam. we'll all b together again in august. i can't wait. atlanta and mississippi here i come.

kwasi, i'm feenin for a lil convo.
c.c. u're gettin old! happy b-day.

memorial day
it's H O T and i'm luvin every minute of it. @ my parents' crib and they've got madd ppl over here. i don't know what to do w/ myself really...feelin outta place. so i'm in tha office bloggin while e'rybody gets their food. i'm still exhausted. wonderin what my future holds.

i feel i will have to go back to court and fight for custody of my child....AGAIN. i wrote b4 about how foul white folks can b. i know that first hand. i've experienced it and ever since tha first incident i see more and more how some white folks can b called "devils". anyway, it's time to make plans. gotta prepare myself mentally, physically, and spiritually cuz tha shit is about to hit tha fan.

ppl close to me see me as a stong/conscious sista. i saw tha opposite. but now, that's beginnin to change. i neva realized just how much power i have.

anyway, i'll speak on that lata. i'm goin to get my-self some food.

once again, i'm worn out from tha days activities.
i went to church. my fam saw me this morn and was clappin. i was so embarrassed (although i was lookin my-t-sharp).
from church we went to a friend's and had tha best meal.
baked salmon green beans pea salad potato salad cranberry sauce stuffed chicken breast cornbread rolls pound cake trifle dish
i know i'm forgettin sumthin.

my aunts keep askin when i'm leavin alaska. 2 yrs is what i have in mind, but i don't know where i wanna go and what i wanna do.
it'll come...i keep tellin myself that.

it's late...tha fam keeps waitin for tha sun to go down. it's 11pm and brotha sun is still out.

more lata....

i need a foot massage/pedicure
a massage
a good salad
a massage
a hot oil treatment for my locks
a massage
some "sex in a pan" aka black forest dessert
a massage

did i say massage?

e'ryone is here.
my uncle e can't sit still
my aunts have been shoppin machines
tha kids...my child and my cuz r enjoyin each otha.
me, i'm worn out from tha days activities.

my 2 aunts and lil cousin got in safely.
my dad says his nose is "sick". it's changed shape or sumthin like that.

one thing i like about spring r seein tha kids out ridin their bikes/scooters/skateboards.

one thing i hate about seein those kids out ridin their bikes/scooters/skateboards...

they can't get their butts out tha street when cars roll thru.
what am i 'sposed to do? run them over? i think not.
my solution: i roll up on 'em and sit there until they move.
they get tha point quickly.

fuckas.

today is a BEAUTIOUS day!!!

tonite tha first batch of relatives come in. i can't wait to see them.
last nite, one of my friends came into town. can't wait to see her.

can u see tha smile on my face?

just got back from tha poetry slam.
i laughed.
i smiled.
i frowned.
i even said what tha fuh?...several times.
right now i'm sad/angry/confused
bcuz one of tha poets made a comment about black ppl in his piece.
there were 5 of "us" in tha room and we were all offended.
so many thoughts r runnin thru my brain. i can't even type them all.
some days i really dislike white ppl. not all, but some.

i don't like...
tha stares i get when i walk down tha street/in a store or drive my car
bein patted on tha head like a dog bcuz my hair
is different and they wanna cop a feel
women clutchin their purses OR hidin their atm receipts
when i stand behind them in a bank/atm line
ignorance

i am no different.
i am a mother/daughter/sister/friend/lover/artist/fill in tha blank.
my blood is red like any otha person.

and i have feelings like any otha person.



sleep is callin me.

lata...

my moms is drivin me nuts.
our fam is comin up for memorial day weekend and i can't wait to see them.
but moms is drivin me nuts.
e'rything has to b perfect.
she's been cleanin for 4 days.
i thought after we finished my apt. things would b cool.
i was wrong.
e'ryday since saturday she's been askin me how my place looks.
ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!
i hope that once e'rybody gets here she'll calm down.

do my relatives go thru that when we go down to visit?

3 hrs and counting. i hope b/fly boy likes tha hat. i think he was lookin for sumthin REALLY colorful. what i came up w/ is colorful, but on an earthtones tip. he did tell me to use any colors i saw first and that's what i did. i shouldn't stress myself cuz i know he'll like it.

i'm excited about tha slam. b/fly boy and my girl lady wisdom r competin for a slot on team alaska. tha nationals r in seattle this year. i'm excited 'cited 'cited 'cited! hopefully, i will come home inspired and write a few things.

i wanna devise a virus
to bring dire staits to ur environment
crushin corporations w/ a mild touch
trash tha whole computer system and revert u to papyrus-- "virus" deltron 3030

deltron is bumpin.
i'm still sleepy.
my fingers still hurt.
and my gum is stale.

what a day this is turnin out to b.
if i scream @ tha top of my lungs, ya think anyone will notice?

y wasn't i born a mornin person? i cannot function right now. my eyes still have sleep in them. i could easily go into tha bathroom and take a quick nap. too bad there isn't a couch in tha ladies room. anyway, i'm sore too. now b4 ur mind starts to wander, i wasn't gettin my freak on...i was gettin my creativity on. made a hat for today's grand slam. buttafly collar boy asked me if i had made "his pieces" yet and i was like "oops, i forgot". lady b's been slackin....a lot. so i made this multi-colored hat, took me 5 hrs and it wore me out. my fingers/hands/arms/back/neck r sore. i probably won't make anything for another three weeks now cuz a sista is tired and my friend creativity is takin some time off.

i'm goin to sleep now.

this dude's page is hilarious.
i find myself checkin it e'ryday just to see what he's gonna say next.

so fresh. so clean.

went to tha thrift store
found some records...some dope azz records
didn't get them cuz somebody took tha records and left tha covers.
that is so wrong. if u can lift 5 records, tha least u could do is take tha damn covers too.

some ppl...

i burnt my tongue.

ouch.

i managed to check out one body piercing joint.
see, i want my nose pierced. i had decided that i would do it right then or else i'd lose my nerve.
well, gettin pierced wasn't in tha cards for me that nite. there was one piercer available and he was leavin cuz his child needed to b taken to tha hospital. i was so nervous. tha longer i spoke to him and tha longer i looked @ his face (looked like a pin cushion) tha more nervous i got. my stomach was queezy and i had a major headache. i wasn't sure if it was tha anticipation of gettin it done or if i was honestly scared.

so now, i'm re-thinkin my decision. if i can go back to tha tattoo shop repeatedly, then i should b able to get a hole stuck in my nostril.
it'll happen eventually, but i guess now just isn't tha time.

day of tha moon
that sounds betta than monday...

late nite cookin is tha bomb.
lentils w/ carrots and potatoes.
didn't use my crockpot...still not sure what i'll cook first.

while gettin ready for work this morn, tha movie "whiteboys" was on.
i've been avoidin this flick for some time now. y would i want
to watch some whiteboys act black? what is actin black anyway?
stereotypes r tha devil
tha movie was straight goofy...i guess that was tha intent.
i got an unexpected but pleasant surprise when i saw bonz malone in this movie.
if u've seen slam, he played hoffa. this man needs his own movie. that's all i'm goin to say 'bout that.

more lata...

tha dogs r squeaky clean and i have a date w/ vin.

wal-mart finds
crockpot...woohoo! b/fly will b cookin her azz off
movie--boiler room, heard it was good but i just wanna see vin diesel's sexy self in action.
picture frames...my house is spotless, might as well hang some pictures up.

i'm tired. sore. tha sopranos is on and moms should
b callin me soon to help her bathe tha dogs...tha woman neva rests i swear (it's almost 10pm)

my bro sent me an email today. it's got me wonderin if i sound whiney and bein unappreciative of what i have in my posts. i'm frustrated. some days i think i'm focused and workin toward my goals. otha days i'm lost. but that's normal right?

time waits for no one...what movie did i hear that in? maybe cc or tha unsinkable one can help me w/ that. oh, and cc...how did u get so wise? i love u.
...

spent tha day w/ moms. we cleaned. not my favorite thing to do. i'm content w/ pickin up trash, dustin here and there, vaccuumin...u know, tha basics. not moms, she gotta rearrange furniture, wash tha blinds, re-organize closets. that's too much.
@ 10am she had me @ a laundromat (my first time) washin clothes. lemme rewind ... what sparked this intense cleanin spree? we have family comin up to visit for memorial day weekend. so of course, e'rything has to look good. anyway, it's 10am and we're @ tha laundromat. 90 min. later we're @ my apartment. when moms cleans, it's like she has a turbo jetpack strapped to her back. i stay outta her way...then too i know i won't have to do a whole lot cuz she'll have it done already :oP. i never thought we'd get it together, but we did. i'm such a packrat. i hold on to everything...bags, flyers, daughter's schoolwork (all of it), magazines, etc. i got rid of a lot of stuff and found some things as well. it's amazin what a thorough cleanin can do...who woulda thunk it?
...

got a couple of books this week...

stolen legacy~george g.m. james
tha isis papers~frances c. welsing

discovered some new incense too...chandan, some good stuff there.

well, me and moms is off to walmart.

lata--

my day was okay. did some runnin, came home and slept.
my day was okay....my evening is just ughhh. i'm lonely.
i don't like myself when i get this way. it's like i have a hole in tha pit of my stomach. tha sun decided to show himself, so i made myself get up and go outside.
took a lil drive 'round tha city. let tha cool air fill my car and blow in my face.
i needed it.

i'm missin my fam...my babygirl, my bro, my sis, my nephew.
i'm missin my girlfriend.
i miss my ex.

tonite would b a nite i would stay @ home and chill, but i think that'll
make things worse. can't watch love jones on a nite like this. i might
as well throw myself in front a movin truck.

tomorrow is a new day and i will feel betta.

to all who reads this, have a great weekend.

-peace

watchin BET...slap me pleez.

hiphop is dyin. have u noticed?

what could ruin a good dream? a phone call, right? what could b worse than that?
a phone call from ur girlfriend sayin she's havin labor pains. that was me this mornin.
i was in tha middle of a "i will never look @ this person tha same when i see him" dream and right when it was gettin really good, tha phone rings and my girl is on tha otha end...

"ah, butta i'm havin labor pains and i might need u to drive me to tha hospital..."
"wha?! i'm gettin up right now!"-->remember, i was sleepin
"well, i'm goin to wait out tha hour to see if it gets worse"...she's calm, i'm trippin.
"okay, i'm gettin dressed, call me and lemme know w'sup".

luckily for me, tha baby wasn't ready to show him/herself.

45 min. 'til my weekend starts. can't wait...but i can't get motivated to do my last bit of work either.
i'm exhausted from my fruitgasm...that fruit i had @ lunch was so good i almost climaxed. pitiful, i know.

my plans for tonite...
finish this hat--procrastinating is my middle name
read a chapter in my book
hunt down this dvd
check out body piercing joints.... c.c.-i'll tell u 'bout that later. :o)

a few days ago, i asked that i b alert for 10 min.
i have been and now i'm ready to take a nap.
i could never exercise...even tho' i really want to.
i will yawn with e'ry jog, jump, & kick.

i need help. *yawn* <--- see i can't even type w/o yawnin.

unsinkable brown is my friend.
our relationship began when i touched his monkey. now i can't get enuff of him.

lunchtime...

brotha sun is shinin bRiTe~tha air is warm~ my tastebuds r happy...yes yes yes!
ate a really good salad...fresh spinach, romaine lettuce, red-yellow-orange bell peppers,
black olives (neva knew they had so much flava), carrots, mushrooms, and tomatoes.
yum yum
it don't stop there tho....i got fruit too. cold fruit. brothas, wanna get me?
have cold fruit..pineapples, oranges, strawberries, grapes, cantaloupe, honey dew
and i'll b urs foreva. well, momentarily anyway. :oP

i luv it when folks come thru! i'm excited right now, cuz some friends of mine sent me some
pics of them wearin tha crowns i made. it's a good feelin to see my hats/bags/scarves on ppl.
i get amped, like when a singer hears his/her song on tha radio or maybe when an actor sees
his/her movie for tha first time...

ppl smile when they see my work and that makes me happy.

YAY!!

big up to j and ess

tomorrow, i'm off.
i told myself i was goin to fast tha whole day.
maybe just a water fast, maybe a juice fast.
i've never done anything like this b4.
it will take discipline, sumthin i lack.
just sittin here now, my belly is empty
and i'm wishin i had eaten breakfast b4 i came to work.
so how am i goin to go thru a whole day w/o food?

discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline--->i'm hypin myself up.

to b continued...

last nite, my best friend left.
went on a much needed trip.
to visit her family.
on tha east.
for a month.
and i am here.
me.
alone.
what am i goin to do
w/o her?

reflect.
meditate.
fast.
live.

10 things i hate dislike 'bout my job
1 not challenging enuff
2 coworker m
3 coworker m
4

okay, so i don't have 10. tha 2 main problems w/ my current job.... my coworker m
and tha lack of challenge. i like challenging things...mind stimulation.

i'd rather...
sit @ home and crochet
write a book
sing from a mountaintop...that's a lil much :o)
dance on soul train (is that show still on?)
fly to tha moon

sumthin betta will come my way. gotta focus.

it stopped rainin. i was longin for spring/summer
to start so i'd frown upon gray skies and rain. this morn
i smiled. tha air smelled sweet and i noticed tha trees
have come to life.

thank u god.

i would go lie in tha grass, but i think i'll wait
until babygirl comes home. that way we can
enjoy earth's beauty together.

sweet like tha rain
i'll bring u no pain
rainbows
and
buttaflies will
rest in our minds

imagine...

i don't like to love.

i left work yesterday early. faked sick just so i could get outta my coworker's presence.
she's tha most irritatin woman i know...anyway, i'm not goin to bore u w/ that. she's not here
@ tha moment, so i'm chillin. listenin to n'dea davenport...luv me, boy y r u bullshittin.

i rode to work listenin to dead prez. i always hear sumthin different when i play that cd. i left work (yesterday) w/ them blastin. u can usually tell what sorta mood i'm in by tha music i play.

music soothes me. inspires me. amps me up.

last nite
i did absolutely nuttin. i managed to make it to my favorite store, my friend didn't show.
so i bought some candles and went home. took a shower, ordered a pizza, talked to my bro,
and vegged out. watched dark angel & charlie's angels. went to sleep.

i'ma say this, then i'm out....girlz rock!! but i still can't see drew barrymore as
an action hero. maybe it's just me.

as time moves on, i will have hooked this joint up luvlee.
a personal computer is needed for me to achieve this tho'.

yea...

3 more hrs. @ tha plantation (as k likes to say). when i sit here starin @ this 'puter, lookin out tha window, or easedropping (sp?) on tha many convos floatin 'round me all i can think is...there has to b sumthin betta than this. have i already typed those words today? maybe i will sneak into tha ladies room and take a quick nap. maybe then, i'll feel betta.

what's crackin for me tonite?

goin to see some friends @ my favorite place
huntin down baaba maal's live @ royal festival hall on dvd
finishin a crown...got an order to complete
readin a chapter in opening to spirit
sleepin in my luvlee bed. :o)

...just realized tha smell of vinegar makes me nauseous. y am i bringin that up? one of my coworkers is usin it for sumthin. vinegar should b banned from tha workplace. she should b also.

tomorrow, i will have a 10 things i hate dislike 'bout my job list.
maybe when i do that, tha clouds will miraculously part and tha sun will shine ever so britely
and i will have an idea on what to do w/ my life.

lunchtime thoughts
my belly is full and i am happy.
a nap in tha ladies room would b luvlee.
i need a mental diuretic to purge some of this shit that is cloggin my brain.

i wanna b self employed. workin in tha corporate world is not for me. sittin @ a desk is not for me.
i wanna b outside. butta.flyz r supposed to b free...right? my biz is stressin me out a lil.
how can i get butta.fly crocheted wears out in tha world?
i'm seriously thinkin about husslin this summer. i'd b tha sista standin on tha street corner peddlin
hats, bags, and whateva else.

would i have to dodge tha cops?

i have a hole in my mouth.
i've got apple juice all over my clothes
and apple pieces in my teeth.

thank gawd for dental floss.

question...

y does alaska have its own time zone? we r not a separate country. california and seattle r just 1 hr. ahead. shouldn't that put us in tha pacific time zone somewhere.

this mornin i woke up and could not move. this is a problem that i have. i felt like a mack truck had hit me while i was sleepin. looked @ tha clock, 630am. "ok, cool, i can lay here for a lil while", i think to mahsef. looked @ tha clock again, 650am, still can't move. i have to get to work by 730. takes about 15, 20 min. to get to work, so i already know i will b late yet again. i finally managed to roll outta bed 'round 705. traffic was outta control and i walked into my office 'round 750. not cool i know, but...i have no excuse/s.

i need a new job
i need $1000 to fly to atlanta
i need a massage
i need a beautiful man to kiss me on my neck (e.badu)
i need these supafly boots i saw @ burlington.
i need a 'puter w/ all tha neat toys
i need some more yarn

i need a new job....

butta.fly is she
who is friendly
luvs to laugh/smile
down.to.earth
nappy @ tha roots
outta her mind most of tha time
ecclectic....i like that word

<--fuzzy 'round tha edges, thas me-->