when i leave home in tha morn, it's dark. when i come home in tha evenin, it's dark. all of this darkness is beginnin to affect me. tha onlee positive things i like 'bout is...tha sunrise in tha morn and tha stars/moon @ nite. otha than that, it sucks.

gotta let my car warm up....have a good nite.

damn. this mornin is flyin by. i'm amazed @ that since i have NO work. n o n e. i remembered to bring my coat today. i have to do betta. i'm not a morinin person and my tha crazy woman energy i exude affects babygirl. two grouchy females up @ tha buttcrack of dawn in tha same space is not cute. i've got a pippi longstocking thing happenin today. kinda cute. kinda awkward. disheveled even. i like it.

now how in tha hell did i forget to bring my coat w/ me? it's 10 degrees out and i'm coatless. that's what i get for bein in a hurry i guess.

if i could fly to tibet tomorrow, i'd go. i feel like i need to b away from e'rything that's familiar and clear my head of all tha bullshit that has consumed me for so long.

my daddy said i looked grown up. he also said i seemed content. all i could say was, "i'm gettin there dad." i luv him. he's always been there w/ a listenin ear and encouragin words.

mary j blige's my life has been bumpin for 4 days. today i went and bought share my world on ceedee. got jilly's new joint too.......LUV IT! tha trees look pretty covered in frost. tha moose have come down from tha mountains in search of food. it's cold as fuck. i wanna b in bed, readin/listenin to music/creating.

is mary's new joint any good? tell me...

meditation tip of tha day

Do not look for peace and freedom in the outside world.
Real freedom and real happiness are inner states which are yours when you are in harmony with the divine.

Ramdas

i am told this almost everyday.

animal crackers r yummy. i'm feelin a lil icky right now. it's been very cold and very foggy. ice fog aint no joke, but i didn't let that stop me from goin to tha club. i needed to dance but didn't feel like it once i got there. now i feel tense. a massage would go nicely w/ these animal crackers.

i just saw tha most beautiful display. the aurora borealis put on their biggest show yet. green, white, purple, fuschia, and red rays danced thru tha sky. fadimata, babygirl, and i stood in tha cold starin in awe. they seemed to have covered tha whole nitesky. i am so happy right now. last week we witnessed tha leonid meteor shower, now this. to think all of this happens in space, above us.

one of my favorite things...

it would've been nice if thanxgivin dindin was @ my parents' yesterday. it's tradition man. miss 'cille does christmas, moms does thanxgivin. dinner was nice but it was lackin sumthin...my mama's house. haha. fadimata said i was wrong cuz i told moms her sweet potato pie is betta....it is! onlee speakin truth. onlee speakin truth. all in all, i enjoyed myself and dinner was on point. i'm still full and it's 8am.

i'm sittin @ my desk wonderin y i came to work. there's literally no one in tha building. traffic was unusually non.existent this morn too. our secretary just went to tha store to get snacks cuz tha coffee man isn't here today. we're loungin i tell ya.

i am so full. i didn't overeat and i'm still full. maaaannnnn...

been spendin a lot of time lookin @ m. he put on some weight while he was away. big muskles e'rywhere. good lawd! i've neva been into muscles, but damn. his biceps look tasty. his back! *bitin lip* don't get me started on his back. my mind's been in tha gutter all day.

*shakin my head* umph umph umph...

loc.queen has done it again. she has posted some new pics and her hats r dope as fuck (as always). i need a digital cam so badly. she is such an inspiration...

my belly is growlin and all i can think 'bout r tha tasty crab legs fadimata cooked last nite. neva had crab legs b4...onlee bcuz them mugs r too hard to get into. if i'm starvin, i don't wanna have to fight w/ my food to get tha meat out. haha...i had crab juice, old bay seasonins, and lil pieces of meat all over me. i'm so glad i was @ home and not out in public. i managed to cut tha inside of my lip (i won't use my teeth anymore) and scratch my pinky finger (will use gloves next time to prevent scratching). crab legs=too much work.

i will always luv my roaddog. i need to give him a new name. i'll call him m. anyways, m and i had tha bestest convo last nite. i shared some of my deepest, darkest thoughts and he did not judge one bit. just listened. he says he likes talkin to me for tha same reason...no judgin, just listenin. i wanna heal. i don't want past situations to stifle me in any kind of way. i have a tendency to hold on to things. gotta get that shit outta me. it's happenin...finally. there's still some things i don't wanna face, but i know it'll happen w/ time.

tha sun is shinin.
tha sky is blue.
i'm smiling.
hopeful.

i think i'm goin to start runnin. i always said...jackie don't run, but i'm seriously considering it. i need a change...do sumthin totally opposite of what i'm used to......workin out/gettin in shape/tonin up is totally out of tha ordinary. my last attempt lasted 2 days. tha hotel that i'll b stayin in (goin to denver, 'memba?) has a gym. maybe exercise will keep my occupied while i'm there. livin in a hotel for a week seems pretty long.

this weekend i quit my parttime job.
this weekend i thought about love/relationships and my feelings for this brotha.
this weekend i made 6 hats.
this weekend i sold 3 hats (give thanx).
this weekend i hung out w/ my parents and watched tha lewis/rahman fight. woohoo go lewis!
this weekend i saw a meteor shower for tha first time.
this weekend fadimata and i laughed...a lot--especially @ 1am, standing in tha cold, watchin tha meteor shower

my weekend was good. this weekend has left me w/ a lot of questions 'bout my life, my self. i guess that's a neva.ending process.

fiona is depressing me. however, tha day is goin by quickly and i have tomorrow off. woohoo! wonderin what my roaddog is doin. he called me six times yesterday while i was @ work. he's goofy. changed even. i feel like we have to get to know each otha all over again. i want us to veg out in front of my tv, eat junk, and talk shit. he used to stay in tha exact same apartment...trippy, huh? what does that say exactly?

i'm beginnin to get hungry...

lewis/rahman fight this saturday u know i'm goin to b watchin it.

i managed to make two hats last nite and work on my scarf (i told u i was on a mission). tha girls on tha glitter discussion board mentioned this site: nook knits. cute stuff there...

i'm supposed to b goin to tha fights tonite. i feel like i should stay home tho' and work on my wears. don't b surprised if i walked in there w/ my yarn basket. i'd b crochetin between punches. haha...my ass would do it too.

she's inspiring...

feelin a lil betta. my previous feelins just confirms that i have some work to do.

otha work...i've gotta turn into tha crochet machine i used to b. tha store is openin up @ tha end of tha week and i'm low on product. during times like these i wish i had a few clones so we could get an assembly line goin.

i can do this...

i won't b sad i won't b sad i won't b sad i won't b sad i won't b sad
pep talk in session i'm a bad ass chick. homie wouldn't have fallen so hard if i wasn't.
i won't b sad i won't b sad i won't b sad
i'm beautious caring charming helpful funny beautious beautious loving selfless...beautious?

i'm leavin him alone. my wall has been rebuilt. all it takes is a few "sumthin aint rights" and my guard is back up. GOD! he hates it when i use god's name in vain...oh well. GOD! that's what i get for gettin my hopes up. looks like i'll b startin tae bo again...i feel like kickin some imaginary ass.

i gave my new friend (homie w/ tha store) some hats to sell. i had to cuz he kept callin to tell me 'bout all tha compliments he was gettin on his hat. i finally had to tell him to come thru and get some. he's sold 3 so far. i sold 4. i'm happy. gotta get on my job tho'. i've been so consumed w/ finishin my grams' blanket that i haven't had a lot of time to do otha thangs. i'm on a mission.

buddha says...
Kill hatred and you shall have peace and happiness.
Kill hatred and you shall have no more sorrow.
It is hatred that devours all your goodness.

i'm feelin a lot of different things right now. revisiting tha past and acknowledging tha present situation. i missed him. him, my roaddog in highschool. tha man i could watch scarface w/. tha man who got up to make me pancakes in tha mornin. tha man who's seen me grow into tha woman i am now.

my head hurts from tha two glasses of wine i had last nite. someone very special has popped back up in my life and i don't know how to handle it. my first mind says re.establish tha friendship. i realized after speakin to him that those old wounds on my heart neva healed. now's tha time to forgive, sumthin i'm not good @. it's time for tha wounds to heal. i won't hold back. i will tell him exactly how i feel/felt.

i know i said in my earlier post that things would b awkward, but it wasn't. i was just happy to know he was okay. i missed my friend.

meditation tip of tha day
We are born with a seed of consciousness.
Once it will flower within us,
emptiness, silence, is happening.

Thyoar

these meditations have been good this week. i'm feenin fo' some hot wings.

this morn i went to a meeting 'bout habitat restoration in tha state of alaska. my ass was in there goin to sleep. fadimata came home last nite and we stayed up 'til 3am talkin. i got 3 hrs of sleep. durin one of tha breaks i grabbed a pen and pad from my desk so i could doodle wheneva felt sleepy. i ended up writin this...

sleep is callin me
eyes heavy w/
head nods & body jerks...
my mind is weary
oh how i miss my bed

my arm managed to slip off tha table once. luckily, tha room was dark and i was sittin in tha back of tha room.

man, today somebody left a moose carcass in tha back of their pickup and tha ravens found it and had a major feast. it looked like (me and a coworker was bein nosy) tha meat had been back there for a while. there was a tarp on top of it, but tha person didn't do a great job securing it. tha birds flipped it over and started grubbin. *shakin head*

meditation tip of tha day
Meditation brings two things. It brings wisdom, it brings freedom.
These two flowers grow out of meditation.
When you become silent, utterly silent, beyond the mind, two flowers bloom in you.
One is of wisdom: you know what is and what is not.
And the other is of freedom: you know now there are no more any limitations on you, either of time or of space.
You become liberated.
Meditation is the key to liberation, to freedom, to wisdom.

Osho

i would like to meditate. a lil voice in my head has been tellin me to do it for over a year now. i've tried a few times, but when u try to sit still and b quiet, ur mind starts rebelling and all sorts of things start happenin. like, tha tip of my big toe may itch or i might get a pain in my back...anything to get me to stop focusing on sittin still. i know it'll take time and practice. discipline is sumthin i lack. one day i guess...

i wanna immerse myself in creating. i'm feelin uneasy 'bout some things. when i feel uneasy, i tend to b more creative and b more productive in makin my wears. i should keep a crochet hook tucked behind my ears @ all times. it would b kinda like my security blanket.

thinkin 'bout leavin my him alone. i won't go into details, but it wouldn't work. we both know it. just knowin he cares 'bout me as much as he does satisfies me. we'll b friends in tha longrun, but i can't deny that sumthin more would b nice.

damn.

meditation tip of tha day
Words are like a finger which points to the truth, but people in general only see the finger.
They do not see beyond the finger to find out the truth.

Hui Neng

i must get more sleep.
not onlee was i late to work this morn, i dozed off a number of 8 times while drivin to work. now i'm sittin here @ my desk dozin while listenin to saul. it's been so damn cold lately. folks in tha office think i'm crazy cuz i'm walkin 'round w/ my insulated boots and coat on. dennis "tha garbage disposal" was nice and gave me a heater. i'm so luvin this thing.

*note to self* get a hot beverage while trekkin thru tha frozen streets of anchorage @ lunch.

tha northern lites were out in full effect this morn. brite green rays danced thru tha sky. tha sky was clear and dark blue lookin and tha moon was shinin brite. i luv mornins like that.

i've got him on my mind. we talked for a long time last nite 'bout e'rything we've been feelin these last several days. i can't help but feel like he was brought into my life to teach me sumthin. he's special. and i'm thankful for e'ry moment we've shared.

miss megan mentioned this scarf on her site. it is luvlee. i saw it (and tha othas) in tha store and almost lost my mind. i wanted to get some hooks and make my own.

i'm findin myself zonin out. my belly's full and i wanna get in my bed. i'm feenin for chocolate.

good news...nov 15 my wears will showcased @ this store. i'm excited.

stay tuned...

man, i'm really really really diggin this dude. where tha fuck did he come from? i can't stop askin myself that. but then i'm like, "keep a cool head girl". this brotha changed my lite bulbs y'all. lol. k, that may sound corny but that is a major thing to me. i've always wanted a guy like my daddy. hardworking, provided for his fam, handy w/ some tools...yada yada yada. for a long time i thought men like him didn't exist in this day in time. but i may have been wrong. i'm goin to test him and see if he can fix tha cabinet door in my bathroom. if he comes over w/ tools, i'm goin to lose my mind. lol. he brought me sushi and some bomb ass lemon chips. lemon chips! gotta try 'em. i'm on cloud nine and don't plan on comin down for a while.

i likes him. yes i do.

tender is his touch.
his smile, endearing.
i wanna read his thoughts.
he's a man.
big and strong.
commands respect.
attraction is felt.
i don't know what to do.

i loove him--as babygirl would say. i loove him too. he's my friend. it's always nice to put a voice to a face....and to words.

snow snow go away. pleez come back anutha day.

tomorrow monsters inc. comes out. i feel like i've been waitin foreva. and as usual i'm more excited 'bout a kids flick than my own child is.

i will b workin on this over tha weekend.

kids don't go out on halloween like they used to. i was so worried 'bout bein bombarded w/ doorbell rings and "trick or treat" yells....i worried for nuttin. onlee 4 kids came to my door. 4. my evening was cool. i did reorganize my yarn. i also sat and chatted w/ nesta, tha 3-yr old that lives upstairs. he always has sumthin to say. he has a tendency tho' to walk into my apartment if tha door is halfway open. just runs up in there like he owns tha place and then won't leave. he's a trip. oh and anutha thing...he can talk to animals. i'm convinced. e'rytime he sticks his head in tha door he looks over @ my noisy parakeets and says, "they're hungry". he's amazing i tell ya.

tha highlite of tha nite had to b when me and moms got fadimata's car outta tha snow. *rewind* i had fadimata's car parked on tha street. it snowed for 4-5 days and i didn't move it. well, mr. plow came thru and pushed all of tha snow up against tha car. i couldn't move it. aight, so last nite i came home and saw tha city had tagged it to b towed. i panicked. so what does a 26-yr old single woman do? call her daddy of course. *smile* but who shows up? moms! dad said she couldn't move it -don't tell moms she can't do sumthin- man, moms had a shovel, ice pick, and sand in tha back of her van. who was tha one carryin this stuff...me. tha bag of sand was so damn heavy i think i pulled sumthin in my uterus. anywayz, it turned out all we needed was tha sand. tha front wheel kept spinnin on tha ice. i put some of that sand down behind that tire and that baby backed right on out. my pops couldn't believe we did it. he obviously doesn't know tha true power of tha heavyduty woman. ha!