it's 240 in tha a m. thank goodness i'm off. oh, i do have to get up and make a visit there very early. my office is cookin breakfast on tha grill. i may stay, but since it's so late and i'm still up, i probably won't. mandara just left. we always spend hours upon hours talkin 'bout life, relationships, and our ambitions. i think having her in my life has helped me put things in perspective. like go after my dreams...that i can do it (waterboy stylee!). so much has been put b4 me w/in tha last couple of weeks. i feel my faith being restored. what's that saying? "let go and let god". i'm doing that now. even when i start stressin now, sumthin happens to make me see that there's no need for tha stress or tha worry and that everything will b fine and work itself out.

so, i'm not goin on my trip to atlanta in august. i'm goin to keep my butt stationary for a minute so i can leave alaska. this will take place next summer. no more excuses. no more worries. i will b okay and my babygirl will b too.

goodnite/morning.

took tha afternoon off yesterday. it was so great. mike and i went to lunch to celebrate his "freedom" (i had tha best coconut rice - yum!). after we left each otha, i went and hung w/ mandara. she's so dope man! she keeps tellin me i gotta come to new york. i will...maybe next summer. i miss new york.

@ work - i'm actually awake and got here on time - and i just read an email 'bout performance evaluations. i totally dread this time. tha bosslady always surprises us w/ them. then she comes up w/ crazy questions regarding our jobs. i guess she tries to keep it interesting. one of tha questions...what impact, if any, did 9/11 have on ur job and how u performed ur job?. ummm, it didn't have any impact? i gotta get a new job. i know it deep down inside. y am i hangin on?

tha fair is next weekend. ugh! i met w/ tha sis i'll b sharing tha booth w/. she's relieved that i have a lot of stuff. i've been wearin myself out worrying that i won't have enuff to fill my part of tha booth. in my mind, i don't, but she thinks it'll b fine. we're goin to meet tomorrow and spend tha day crocheting. she lives 30 min outside of town up in tha hillside (lower mountain area) and i told her i'd b willing to make tha drive. it's good to get out of town every once in a while. we gotta find tables and decorate tha booth (i totally forgot 'bout that). i will have to camp out there (girdwood) too. i've neva camped a day in my life. this will definitely b a new experience (this is a time i wish i had a truck).

well, i gotta go prepare my answers for tha evaluation. oh, yarn.fiend has a new home....if anybody's interested.

i know, i know, i should have my behind in bed, but i can't help but play w/ my digi cam. i'm still not sure of everything it can do. thinkin 'bout carrying it 'round w/ me so i can take pics of this luvlee city i live in. u guys gotta see tha mountains. u just gotta. anywho, i'm goin to bed.

i'm writing this after checkin out tha "lesson" on okp. i bought instant vintage and i want my fuckin money back. y do ppl love this album? it's lacking so much.

tha same goes for tha neptunes. ll cool joe (this cutie patootie that works in my office for tha summer) let me listen to his copy of n e r d and i was so disappointed. argh!

i spoke w/ babygirl this morn. she was in tha middle of writing tha lyrics to amel's "searchin for my soul". she luvs that song. she told me she was writing tha words down bcuz she was starting to forget it. that's so cute.

i'm a fuckin wreck. physically that is. i have no energy. i'm still sneezing like crazy. i'm stressed. i'm getting ready for tha girdwood forest fair. my hands have been workin overtime. there just aren't enuff hours in tha day man. i shouldn't feel that way. i shouldn't keep overextending myself. so if i feel stressed, it's my own doing. i get this way sometimes. i need to take a fuckin break. go take a walk or sumthin.

i absolutely love my friends! (see i'm not depressed, i'm still laughing and full of smiles) c came thru last nite w/ a bag of goodies....for me! she went to tha thrift store. saw some stuff that screamed butta.fly and she bought them. she blessed me w/ two real funky dresses and a doodoo brown, buttafly collar leather jacket. is she dope or what? that onlee thing i can wear outta tha bunch is one of tha dresses. *smile* c told me to keep them anyway. she's so sweet.

i cooked last nite. haven't cooked in over two weeks. i've been cravin veggies. so i made teriyaki stir fry w/ tofu. y don't i eat tofu on tha regular? i absolutely love tha stuff. anywayz, it was tha bomb. i was good and full and made enuff to last me a couple of days.

speak easy is sunday. this time there's an all male roster. tha women will do open mic. i wonder how this show will turn out.

peace ppls.

i need a massage. i slept really hard last nite and now i have a bad crook in my neck. tha crook is causing a headache. i shoulda stayed home an extra day.

my doorbell is tha onlee one that lites up in tha building. y do i like that so much? i feel like makin a blt w/ some non.pork bacon. i've been cravin stir fry too. today (sunday) was a lazy day. i slept until 1pm (i went on a "clubbing" binge this weekend) and then rushed over to my parent's house for sunday dinner. it rained. i ate good, crocheted some, took some grapes (dad always gets good fruit), and snuck out of tha house - they were napping. my evening was rather uneventful after that. i crocheted some more and mandara ended up comin thru. we went to tha movies and saw tha divine secrets of tha ya ya sisterhood. it wasn't what we expected. anywayz, tha rain has stopped. i don't want to go to work in tha morning.

karma called me. i was asleep and absolutely surprised to hear his voice on tha otha end of my phone. even tho i had hoped he'd call, deep down i think i didn't expect him to. so when he asked if he called @ a bad time, i lied and said, "yea, i was on my out tha door." y did i do that?

me and wiz went to bernie's tonite. it was my first time there. i felt a lil out of place being 'round so many white ppl, but in tha end i had a great time. i guess it's gay pride week or sumthin, so there was a lively crowd up in that piece. i was stalked all nite by this strange man that went by tha name of trace. dude was tall and lanky w/ a long, greasy ponytail. his voice was oddly high pitched, w/ a southern twang. and if that wasn't enuff dude wore a knockoff coogi sweater and some damn church shoes. if there was any time that i wish i didn't look so "exotic", now would've been a great time. homie was attracted to tha dreads and tha dashiki. he thought i wasn't american so that turned him on. yuck! tha dj played "strange" by cameo...that's my shit. of course i rememba tha damn video (it ran thru my head while tha song played). haha. this arab lookin brotha came my way when he saw me shake my hips a bit. turns out, he was from chile. he was there w/ his friend. michealangelo and carlos. carlos could hardly speak english. he managed to tell wiz she was beautiful. i asked michealangelo to say it in his native tongue. i couldn't rememba if chileans spoke portugese or spanish. i tried askin him if he spoke portugese and i got a kiss on tha cheek as my answer. he thought i said kiss. lol. whoa! after gettin my drink, carlos appeared and said salsa. i shook my head no, and he grabbed me by tha hand and started spinnin my ass. i guess i did alright, cuz he kept sayin "very good" over and over. haha. i also re.introduced myself to this tibetan man i met years ago. i worked w/ his sister @ tha hippie store back in '97. i had had a cup of liquid courage so i went up to him and said hello. tha first thing to come out of his mouth was "what's goin on beautiful rasta woman". i couldn't help but laugh. dude is/was so sexy to me. we talked for a bit, exchanged numbers. he wants to take me camping. i think that's funny since i hate bugs. but i'm down for experiencing new things. his name is karma. i think that's funny too. whew lawd! i need to take my azz to bed.

i am really buzzin @ tha moment. my dinner date w/ c and b.fly collar boy was cool. but somewhere in tha middle of it i started feelin weird. not sad, but apprehensive. they got on tha subject of man vs. woman and tha whole relationship thang. i'm @ a point in my life where i can't necessarily take everything a man says to me seriously. it saddens me somewhat. maybe i'm still that naive 16 yr old who believed that love is supposed to b like it is on tv. all sweet and perfect. fuck that man! a relationship to me is a partnership. a union. balance should exist. i'm lookin for balance. some things have been revealed to me tha last couple of days. i can see shit clearly. tha coming winter will b my last. i'm moving next summer. that's it. even if i don't have a dime in my pocket. i gotta bounce. i also know that even tho' i truely want a man/partner/lover/friend and a strong, loving relationship...i'm not ready for it. timing is tha key, even tho' i'm hella impatient. call me veruka salt, k? *in a whiney voice* cuz i want it noooooowwww! haha. i gotta believe everything will fall into place. i just gotta.

if my thoughts seemed scattered, it's bcuz they r. i'm goin to bed now. i may expound lata.

(i'm loving this pic)

somebody has suprisingly popped up into my life and he challenges me everyday. challenges me to speak my truths, share my thoughts. it's unnerving really...steppin out into tha unknown like that (for somebody like me who likes to "listen" and not "share").

it was rainy and cold yesterday. i guess we needed it, since there was a wildfire somewhere in tha state. it's supposed to b summer man. motha nature is playin tricks. either it's madd hot or madd cold. that aint cool.

capleton is playin. i should b workin but can't help but stare aimlessly off into space. my head is full of daydreams. i want dreadlocked babies (that's a whole 'nutha story). i want a partner. wire + beads = knitted neck pieces. my nails keep breaking. i've got a dinner date w/ c and b.fly collar boy. i gotta get some water.

one reason y i luv havin my own apt. i can eat pineapple outta tha can w/o hearin clem fuss @ me. 'nuff said.

national forests in alaska...

tha sky looks weird. it's in a haze. tha sun is orange. w/o noticing, i happened to stand in tha orange glow and it was hot. what's up w/ that? trees must b burnin. that's probably y there's a haze.

wildfires make me nervous..more and more trees r lost each year. gotta do some research.

daddy was real happy to see tha peanut clusters - there was an excitement there that i wasn't expecting. *smile* i'm glad he liked his gift.

my day was cool. i went to dinner w/ my folks. we ate way too much and found ourselves dozing off @ tha table. afterwards, i left them and visited my girl zee. we spent our time togetha sittin on a bench outside her apt complex, crocheting in tha 80 degree sun. it was cool. my skin has soaked up enuff rays to last me a few months. i've got some kind of heat rash bcuz of it and my allergies r beginnin to kick my azz. oh well. i'm goin to enjoy this while it lasts. rash and all.

my evening ended on a more somber note. sometimes i hate being alone. just anutha demon i have to fight. i felt like goin for a drive cuz tha silence in my crib was drivin me nuts. thinkin it was 9pm, i started gettin ready to go. then i looked @ tha clock, it was 11pm. tha midnite sun is so deceiving man. i stayed home and went to sleep instead. that was a good decision, cuz i woke up on time and got to work this morn on time.

what do u get a man that has everything? my dad has everything imaginable. he works all of tha time, doesn't golf/fish/hunt. what do i get him for daddy's day? chocolate peanut clusters. i'm on a mission to find these tasty treats. i know he'd b satisfied w/ a card, but i won't b. chocolate peanut clusters r my dad's favorite. when i was little, he'd always have a bag of them somewhere (mostly in his truck) and he'd always let me and my brother have some. childhood memories have been flooding my brain lately. i wonder what's up w/ that.

tha rain went away. it's been in tha 80s since friday. i hope it lasts.

i went to juneteenth. i walked 'round while knitting my sock. ate some good food. saw a couple of good acts perform. i even watched some kites float thru tha sky. there's supposed to b some kind of frisbee tournament happenin on tha park strip today. i may go watch...never seen that kinda thing b4.

i got some color. things r good.

kids r so fuckin great man. i went to miss j's game tonite and her dad brought her sister linda.loo. tha game was @ this park close to tha inlet, so tha ocean and mountains were close by. instead of watchin tha game, i walked around this (large) park w/ linda. she says to me....miss jackie, can we go see tha pocean? isn't that cute? pocean. so we walked to tha bench area, sat down and looked @ tha pocean. she then started askin me if we could walk down and get in tha water. i told her no, tha water was yucky. so she says, well we can't get in tha water anyway cuz we got our clothes on. u go miss linda. it was cold and rainy. we sat in tha wet grass and watched tha game. well, not really. lol. i tried watchin and tried startin a hat. but tha crochet hook turned into a pen and then it turned into a shovel. i had madd fun in tha rain w/ a 3 yr old. next time i see her i have to bring a bag of big cheetos. babygirl was kinda pissed cuz i didn't see her whole game.

@ lunch, my coworker walked up to me w/ a b.l.t. in his hands. he asks, "do u know what b.l.t. stands for?" big luscious tits.

gross right?

a tape was made of tha last show. i got to see it. i am absolutely horrified! i looked fuckin huge man! i didn't even sound like me man! i told wiz if i catch tha camera guy filmin me @ tha next show, he's gettin knocked tha fuck out. werd.

juneteenth is happenin this weekend. i'm wondering how organized/educational/entertaining it will b. tha "celebration" has gotten worse as tha years have passed. i don't think too many ppl here know what juneteenth is really about. instead of it being fun and educational, tha organizers r onlee concerned w/ how much money they can make from sellin booths. so sad. i will b there for a short period of time friday and saturday. there's goin to b a spoken word hour that some of my friends r participating in.

yoooouuuu make me feeeel. myyyyy-ttt real! haha. sylvester is still singin in my head...tha video is playin too.

while readin email, i heard tha sound of rain hittin tha pavement. i had to go outside and stand on tha stoop for a bit. it doesn't rain hard like that often. that was some georgia storm rain. i miss that.

okay
since i've spent tha majority of my life in alaska, tv was my onlee link to tha outside world (aka tha lower 48, continental u.s.). actually cable tv was my link to tha outside world. MUSIC on b e t was my link. haha. old video shows like video soul (i had a crush on donnie simpson), video vibrations, and rap city. they need a vintage b e t channel...ya think?

remember sylvester? u make me feel...mighty real. what 'bout junior? mama used to say take ur time young man. how 'bout starpoint? i used to pretend to b tha lead singer. she was dope.

but sylvester...awww lawd sylvester. i need to find a greatest hits cd or sumthin. nsa has me rememberin some shit. haha!

more lata!

[ butta.fly tidbit ] i'll rememba an old skool video b4 i rememba tha name of tha song.

saul is tha muthafuckin man
i know i'm all up on his jock, but i don't give a fuck. okay? ha! slam was on last nite. couldn't watch tha whole thing, but i stayed up long enuff for him to spit tha "amethyst rocks" joint in tha courtyard. yes yes yes. i still think bonz malone needs his own movie. dude has me laugin all tha time "nah, u can b minister of defense. minister of defense..BUT COULD FIGHT! how 'bout that?" lol.

i wish i would stop sneezing. i've been sneezing since i step foot off tha plane from dc. tha cottonwood trees have released that annoying white fuzz. so sneezing has been in full effect. i'm missing my brother. i'm missing ess w/ his crazy ass. he sent me some music (that's always good). meshell's new joint and spacek. i know soulmonkee #1 is diggin him. it's all so damn groovy.

it's too early in tha morn for me to b so hyped up.

tha sea otter population has declined drastically. save tha sea otters! killer whales may b to blame.

i am so tired. i shouldn't have talked to mandara 'til 3am tha nite b4. but even when i go to bed @ a decent hour, i'm still tired. i've been dealing w/ this since jr. highschool. clem thought i needed to get my blood tested for whateva. after a while it was depression causing tha fatigue. now, i think it's my diet.

thinkin 'bout: goin to tha sealife center. i'm long overdue for a ride southeast (alaska that is)
listenin to: yesterdays new quintet

off to get my knit on - tha one thing i look forward to on my lunch hour.

---happy bday daddy!

will they ever leave me alone? my parents and their friends that is. always gotta say sumthin 'bout my hair. y r older black folk afraid of embracing their (or anybody else for that matter) roots? when i cut all my hair (perm/relaxer) off and sported tha sinead/zhane look they thought i was crazy. then i sported tha t w a - teenie weenie afro, and they were somewhat okay w/ it. then i started twistin my hair and they lost their minds. my folks made sure to tell me i was ugly everyday. i had my locks for two years then i cut them. there was too much negativity around me and my hair started fallin out. thinkin cuttin my hair would satisfy my parents was wrong. they still bitched and moaned. three years ago i started growin my locks again w/ tha mindset that i'm goin to do what i wanna do-what feels good to me. they make comments, but they seem to b a lil more accepting since i have a lil length now. @ dinner today, i was sitting next to miss cille and i caught her staring @ my roots. i've got like 3 in. of new growth and all she could ask me was, can i get it to look like tha rest of my hair. lol. jesus! clem hates tha new growth too, but i decided not to twist my hair anymore cuz all it does is weaken tha root. i guess i should just accept tha fact that they are not going to change. i should just let it roll off my back (i'm gettin betta @ it).

after leaving them, i felt a lil more chill. i dropped babygirl off @ her grandma's and i went to tha mall and from there to borders. i luv hangin out in that place. i bought a book on sewing, tha new FADER, a mz. ripperton ceedee, and a brand new heavies joint.

words and sounds. words and sounds. do ya know where i can find a yoda tee?

yoda is god
babygirl and i went to see tha new star wars flick. yoda is god to me now. homie was doin damage w/ that lite saber. didn't think he had it in him. i was diggin this joint betta than episode 1. more fight scenes. i wanna b a jedi. plain and simple. haha!

after that we went to my parent's crib. i had to watch tha fight w/ my daddy. deep down inside i was rootin for lewis, but i just knew mike woulda kicked a lil booty. not even a lil. what tha fuck was homie doin? they were hugged up most of tha fight. dad kept sayin, "that's what they supposed to do!" hell naw dad. lol. lederman wasn't @ tha fight w/ his scorecard, so dad filled in for him. lol.

not much is goinz on cuz sunday beez d lazy day. daddy's bday is tuesday, so moms is cookin up all kinds of tasty thangs today. tha crew has been invited to join tha festivities so i should have a belly ache (from laughing so hard) by tha end of tha day.

words and sounds will get me thru this funk. it worked for me when i went thru that terrible custody battle (it damn sure was one) w/ j's father.

listenin to:
blackalicious
meshell n'degeocello
cee.lo
lauryn
bob marley

i'm not readin anything @ tha moment cuz i can't find my damn books. i'll b huntin them down cuz i've got these on my brain...

kebra nagast (glory of kings) -tha true ark of tha covenant - migel brooks
message to tha ppl - marcus garvey
sisters of tha yam & aint i a woman - bell hooks

W O R D S...

iniquity . 1 : gross injustice : WICKEDNESS
2 : a wicked act or thing : SIN

dominion . 1 : DOMAIN
2 : supreme authority : SOVEREIGNTY
3 plural : an order of angels -- see CELESTIAL HIERARCHY
4 often capitalized : a self-governing nation of the Commonwealth of Nations other than the United Kingdom that acknowledges the British monarch as chief of state
5 : absolute ownership
synonym see POWER

content . satisfied

happiness . 1 obsolete : good fortune : PROSPERITY
2 a : a state of well-being and contentment : JOY b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience
3 : FELICITY, APTNESS

it's been raining all day. i hardly ever look out tha window in tha mornings when i get up, so what did i pull outta tha closet? my white gauze kurta and linen pants. i look like i should b vacationing somewhere that is warm and tropical. lol.

i've fallen in luv w/ blackalicious' new joint -i still want a tee-.

:::

i'm feeling strangely inadequate. fuck. what am i supposed to do to get past this? tell myself i'm beautiful 50x a day? man. i think i'm goin to leave this thing alone for awhile. just about everything i've written is empty crap. *sigh*

i feel like a balloon. my skin is extremely oily and two pimples have popped up outta nowhere. i hate when aunt flow visits. tha abnormally warm weather has left us. i miss it. tha sky has been gray and full of clouds tha last few days. tha wind blows cold. it's too damn breezy to say it's summer. i gotta hurry up and get to tha south. atlanta here i come.

babygirl is sleeping. i think i'm goin to sit outside and let tha breeze blow thru my hair. then meshell will sing me to sleep.

disgruntled stickgirl has me rollin on tha daily.

[edit] url is fixed now [/edit]

opinions r like assholes, everybody has one
leigh said that to me a lil while ago. i don't see my self as a great conversationalist. a lot of times i just sit and listen to whateva is being said amongst a group. i've always been that way. it's some deep rooted childhood shit that won't allow me to share my opinions/views. i told leigh i sometimes didn't think i had an opinion. maybe my definition of tha word is twisted.

last nite, i went to a comedy show w/ mandara. wiz and c opened up w/ some spoken word. y did tha sound man have rnb joints playin loudlee while they were up? that shit pissed me off. it was annoying and distracting and outright disrespectful. but anywayz. tha comedians were three dudes of off bet's comic view. i've seen them all @ one point or anutha. i didn't think i'd find them funny, but i did. my stomach was hurting from all tha laughs. i even managed to cry from laughin so hard. y is it comedians get tha most laughs when they're clownin folks in tha audience? is it bcuz they get to say what everybody else is thinkin? probably.

after that, i took mandara home. had wiz in tha backseat feelin my-t right (no more alcohol for her). we decided to go to tha after hours joint. i don't know y we went. boredom took over i guess. i hate being so crunked up and having nowhere to go. that shit sucks azz. tha after hours spot was in some warehouse in a new location. they always move cuz tha cops r always shuttin them down. i was expecting a lot more ppl. usually it's packed from wall to wall and everybody's dancing. this was not tha case. tha comedians were even there and had tha nerve to have a v i p section upstairs on tha balcony where tha dj was set up. now how in tha hell u gonna have a v i p section in an old, fucked up warehouse. there were so many folks up on this lil azz balcony that security (yes, i said security) had to get all of tha "fans" back downstairs for fear of tha balcony collapsing. aint tha sumthin? i was so bored, i broke out my knitting needles (makin anutha sock). wiz, on tha otha hand had a great time. i should give up tha so called "club scene" in anchorage. it's too disappointing.