i'm off today. woke up and quickly started crochetin some hats for roc. it's noon and i haven't eaten yet. guess i will grill some toast and then go wash my hair. tha sun is shinin. yay! i'll b off to tha yarn store to vegetate on tha couch and knit w/ whoeva happens to b sittin 'round tha table. i luv that. i meet somebody new everyday. yesterday, it was this older woman visiting from england. she asked what "cool" meant. we (me and tha owner) asked what they would say instead and she said, "oh splendid". haha. i'm goin to wear sumthin hellafied funky. probably won't match @ all. it's that kinda day. werd.

today will b a good day...
my mantra for tha day. yup yup. this day has been absolutely bonkers. pms has taken over my brain. i overslept this morn and spent most of tha day groggy and grumpy. then after lunch i was in tears...tears from laughin hard @ absolutely nuttin. every lil thing my coworkers said or did had me rollin. betty said sumthin w/ pleez pleez in it and i start seein james brown in my head, on his knees beggin to whoeva. he's stuck in my head and i have to start singin in my james brown voice, "baby, pleeeez pleeeez pleeeeez". i'm comin down now. i just hope my day doesn't end w/ me being depressed. that would suck.

for now, i'm feelin my-t-sharp. my-t-fine.

still feelin a lil down, but as fadimata says, "this too shall pass." i'm missin that woman. she called me yesterday. she always calls when i pop into her head. then she'll ask, "what's wrong?" i'm glad we still have a connection being thousands of miles away from each otha. thanx to all of u who blessed me w/ positive energy. tha luv was definitely felt. ur words got me thinkin 'bout some things. my mind is full, but i'm beginning to ask questions of myself. 1st step taken...

my friend leigh stopped by last nite. i realized that time is a beautiful thing when not rushed. i've known this man for 5 or 6 yrs and our relationship has developed into sumthin wonderful. he was tha last person i thought would ever give me a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. he showed and proved. he held me as we listened to rachelle ferrell. then i gave him a lesson in tha art of crochet. it was nice.

i wanna do some reading. not sure what exactly. i think i'm also goin to go underground for a while. i feel like retreating. like if i had some money to go to anutha country for x amount of time, i'd go. but since i don't have tha cash, i'll just stay in tha crib creating and spending some quality time w/ self and miss j aka babygirl.

---happy bday brother. i luv u.---

tha show was a success again. i rocked tha mic. ppl was feelin my piece. i was so nervous. ppl were feelin my hats as well. that whole situation worked out. i was stressin for no reason. three hats were sold. i spoke w/ tha owner of tha club and he said i could set up a table for next month's show. i was even able to make a bizness contact for a summer festival comin up july 4th. *give thanx*

i'm comin down off of my long island iced tea high (4 to b exact). i haven't felt this way in a long time. i can't trust men. i don't like them touchin me. i don't like them whispering sweet nothings in my ear. damn. i guess it's called sweet nothings for a reason. it just hit me. anywayz, a man just left here and i feel so damn dirty. i am so disappointed in myself. past hurts have resurfaced in a matter of 30 min. i realized in those 30 min. that i don't believe anything a man has to tell me. it's all bullshit. i hate myself. i've got 27 yrs of pain clingin onto my insides and i don't know how to get them out. i can disguise tha hurt w/ smiles and laughs, but every once in a while they resurface leavin me to feel tha way i feel now. worthless.

jen, u asked if i realized how wonderful i am. as i read those words, streams of tears rolled down my cheeks. i guess i really don't know. this morn is just shitty. i wanna curl up and die then b reincarnated into sumthin way more beautiful than i can ever imagine. i need to sleep. once i'm sober, maybe i'll feel betta. i don't know.

i should've neva agreed to make x number amount of hats w/in a week's time. my heart isn't in this shit @ all. styles aint comin out right. yarn aint cooperatin. i'm vexxed. i'm sleepy. i'm wonderin what tha fuck i'm goin to do. tha show is lata on tonite. i think i'm goin to go to bed now so i can get up early in tha mornin. gotta wash clothes and clean house b4 i go anywhere.

feelin a lil alone too. last nite was a nite of tha ex.es. i talked to my ex.best friend and my ex.boyfriend. two ppl who've made major impacts on my life. i spoke w/ homegirl last nite and while she was fillin me in on tha last couple years of her life, all i could think about is how badly she hurt me. tha trust is gone. i can't allow myself to b all chummy w/ her anymore. b4 we got off tha phone she wished me a happy b.lated bday and b.lated mama's day. i cried.

lata on that nite, homie calls. i realized last nite that even tho i consider him a friend, i can't share certain parts of my life w/ him anymore. we're still in that awkward break up stage (it's been a year). i can't tell him i'm seein anybody w/o him askin a whole bunch of questions and freakin out. tha trust is gone in this situation too and that's sad. i'm tired. tired of games and tired of lies.

yarn is strewn all over my living room and i don't feel productive @ all. what am i goin to do?

i didn't walk into my crib until 2am. i went to sock class and then visited c @ her job. i had to take her a hat for tha show. we talked so much that b4 i knew it, it was 10pm and she was getting off. so we met up w/ wiz and got some grub. from there i went to tha whaler and met up mandara and her ppls. her bandmates r hella cool. i managed to get up this morn, take a shower and wash my hair (i hate tha smell of cigs in/on my hair/skin). saw moms & pops b4 headin to work, got some gas and managed to get to work onlee 10 min. late (which is hella good). my eyes r red/dry/sore. don't have much work. don't have much packing left either. i get to leave early today.

lookin forward to tha weekend. babygirl comes home tonite (yay!) and we're goin to get our bbq on. it's on and poppin @ mandara's (again!). i wanna plant some flowers outside my window. tha begonias r beginning to pop up. gotta pull up all of tha dandelions. they seem to b runnin shit.

gotta make several more hats and i can b like janet and have multiple "costume" changes during tha show. happy friday.

wow, most of tha previous post rhymes.

rhymin is fundamental.

i'm surrounded by boxes. trees blow litely outside my window. tha mountains r almost clear of all snow. yay! i'm lookin forward tha show. i'm rockin tha pompom hat down below. it doesn't match w/ anything i have on today. that's okay. tha office is being rearranged. so i'm in tha middle of packin up my cubicle. tues, i'll b in a new, smaller area. i'm doin my best to keep bob (marley that is) on my wall until close of bizness tomorrow. change is strange. i always thought i adjusted to change quickly. but i think i thought wrong. i don't wanna move.

tha sun took a rest today. it was still nice. cool and breezy. i came home and started work on a hat. i'm sleepy. don't really have much to say. i hope everybody is well.

after talkin to this silly dude, i feel betta now.

dude: alright now who is who on here
dude: shorty on the top row is dope
dude: ...that must not be you
.fly: r u lookin @ hats?
dude: hell no
.fly: lol
dude: now tell me who is who girl
.fly: where r u? really?
dude: wears
.fly: it's me
dude: whos that on the bottom row
dude: with the hair net on
.fly: me
dude: is it really?
dude: you have facial hair?
dude: wow
dude: facial hair is sexy on a woman
.fly: lmao
dude: thats you i nthe red with the white
.fly: yes
dude: hmm it looks like 2 completely different people
dude: well i wanna meet you but you better look like the girl on the top row
.fly: lol
dude: if i see the other row i'm flying back home
dude: and i won't be happy
dude: LOL
.fly: that's fould
.fly: foul
dude: lol i know
.fly: i probably look different bcuz my hair is down
dude: remember multi skull and blkorange cap = yes
dude: hair net = NO
.fly: lol
dude: ego trippin....
dude: you are mad sexy
dude: ....when you're not wearing the hair net
.fly: lol
.fly: um, thanx

lata...

.fly: ya know, u've made me feel betta
.fly: thank u
.fly: this day has been hell
dude: ya welcome...as long as you're not wearing a hair net everythign is okay...oh yeah...keep them sideburns trimmed up too
dude: i was lying about facial hair being sexy
.fly: man, u know u got a hairnet to match mine joint (line, courtesy of tha unsinkable one)
.fly: lol

*yellin* I WANNA GO HOME!!!! if somebody asks me one more question, i am goin to scream!

mandara & her moms live around tha corner from my parents. i went over there to eat some grilled shrimp and veggies. it was so nice today, mandara had to use tha bbq grill. while tha food was cookin, i went and visited my folks. it's funny, i live 5 minutes away from them and tha onlee time i see them is on sunday. so i go over wearin my short skirt -right below tha knee, that's hella short for somebody who always wears long stuff- and all clem could say is my calves look healthy. i'm like duh, cuz i need to lose some weight. she would have to say that when i've been obsessin over my body lately. i know she didn't mean anything by it, so i'm not goin to study it any longer.

3 day weekend woohoo! tha weather is supposed to stay nice thru tha weekend. speak easy is on sunday nite and i will b readin my piece. haha! i know peeps r like, "whateva .fly". that's okay tho. i've made one hat so far. i've got 3 more to go.

it's almost 1am. i'm goin to climb into bed and flip thru marc baptiste's beautiful: nudes. i look @ all of tha women in tha book searchin for some kind of peace w/in myself. loving everything about myself has been hard.

sweet dreams.

still distracted.
thinkin 'bout anutha certain someone.
cyber crushes r tha devil.
today is filled w/
more sunshine
artificial air
and bad singing.
things r hectic in tha office.
i look forward to goin home more & more each day.
hats to make.
pictures to take.
poems to write.

luvin @ tha moment: rachelle ferrel w/ every breath i take
miscellaneous flux bleed/entropy

tonite is a nite where i will not do anything but lay on my big comfy couch and listen to tunes. [edit] i ended up goin on a platinum productions run w/ wiz. our show is sunday, so we've been passin out flyers. went to tha alley to speak w/ tha owner 'bout tha set up and ended up stayin and eatin some really good food. it's 12am and my bed calls. [/edit]

i rediscovered organized konfusion's first joint in a box of old tapes. that joint is funky. i wasn't really into it when it first dropped in '91. in fact i think i onlee bought it for tha first single fudge pudge. i was definitely sleepin. i've done that a lot.

tha office is hellafied hot. like most days i'm distracted. can't keep my mind on my work. i wanna b out in tha sunshine. i've got hats to make and i'm frustrated.

went to tha grand slam last nite. c and b.fly collar boy made team alaska and will b goin to minneapolis in august for tha nationals. i'm excited for them.

wiz and i went to tha club afterwards. y did i think it would b betta than tha last time. i was upset and bored. i think i dozed off a couple of times in my lil corner. that's sad. wiz was havin tha time of her life. meetin men left and right. u go girl. all i got was stares. y do men do that? y look if u aren't goin to open ur mouth and speak? damn.

tha weather is still unbelievably awesome. i find myself wantin to b outside all day long. a sista does need some color. i'm tired of lookin @ my yellow legs. ha!

it's in tha 70s. it's sunny and warm. i've been drivin around all day w/ my windows down and my music turned up loud. i think i may put a blanket down in tha grass and knit in tha sunshine. tha sun is setting later and later everyday. soon we'll have 22 hrs of daylite. i can't wait.

i spent anutha nite out. mandara asked me to go to tha alley w/ her to hear a friend of hers play. time flew by. we listened to a lot of blues -real music as my pops would say. it was cool. i ate. i drank. i got my dance on -a little. we met this old man by tha name of james. king james. he's a local blues singer. dude came over to our table and had us cryin. he talked 'bout everything from music back in tha 30s to tha black panther movement to how racism still exists. nice man. i'm glad i went out. oh and if ya let james tell it, white folks do like grits and pigs feet. that's a whole 'nutha story in itself.

thnx again for my ceedee kwas....

everything seems to b moving in slow motion today. it's drivin me nuts. tha highlites of my day includes listenin to tha jungle brothas i'll house u and buyin a shitload of yarn @ lunch. i wanna go home and get in my bed.

meditation tip of tha day

Success is not defined by obtaining everything you want,
but by appreciating everything you have.

Unknown


hell yeah!

my mama's day was nice. spent it w/ my fam. visited w/ my girl mandara and her moms. i was there until 3am. time does fly when u're havin fun. i gave her a hat and she gave me some books to read. a bob marley joint...russell simmons autobio...& tha celestine prophecy. her moms gave me her bamboo plant -there i go takin anutha plant.

mandara is a singer -b on tha lookout- and we spent most of tha nite talkin 'bout tha wack azz artists that r out now. have u seen/heard that joint by truth hurts..so addictive. i can't help but move everytime i hear that song. we saw tha video last nite. very nice. tha stylist gets props. tha set, clothing, dancing...everything was on point. i listened to some of lauryn's unplugged. tha songs r quite long but i'm diggin it for tha most part. what else is out on tha market that worth listenin too? a sista needs some new music badly.

i have a crook in my neck that hurts like hell and i'm high off of espresso. i'll b asleep in tha bathroom by noon.

latest news...

ben has been caught. i repeat, ben has been caught.

happy mama's day to all tha mama's!!!!

homemade icecream sammiches..

graham crackers + ice cream = mmm mmm good!

hallmark is tha devil
man, i hate shoppin for greeting cards. they neva eva say anything that i would actually say to someone. even those mahogany cards don't really do it for me. my goofy sister called me today and asked that i buy a card and sign her name to it since her cards r always late. i was like, "oh, that's original." i was in hallmark 'bout 15 min. w/ 20 otha last minute folks. i found a card that was decent and could b from tha "both of us" but that joint was $6. i had ten on me. :o( i bought tha card. it's cute...has a neat lil sun catcher in it. i know clem won't hang it in her window, so i'm goin to ask if i can have it. ha!

babygirl's program was nice. tha kids did a great job. kids r so funny to watch. first, u have tha shy kids...tha ones afraid to get up to tha mic and speak. then there's tha ones that luv all of tha attention. they r quick to grab tha mic and put on a flawless performance. me and babygirl's stepmoms were in our seats rollin. not bcuz of tha children in tha program, but bcuz of lil caitlin. she was sittin in miss e's (miss girl's stepmoms) lap talkin loud. "i can't see my sister!" "these ppl need to move so i can see!" i was in tears. i luv children. they're so honest and not afraid to speak their minds. was i ever like that? i can't rememba if i was. maybe that's sumthin i can ask clem tomorrow @ dinner.

my tummy's grumbly. i'm leavin tha plantation early today bcuz babygirl's class is puttin on a mama's day show. she's been singin to me all week. :o) just got thru cleanin my cubicle. man it's a jungle in here i tell ya. when i started workin here three years ago, i had no plants. then slowly i started takin plant cuttings from my coworkers. then i started takin plants they didn't want. so now i have a small jungle. had to do some cuttings and it broke my heart. i've cleaned off all dead leaves and dust bunnies. i can now go home and eat a bite b4 headin to tha show. babygirl goes to her father's tonite...i gotta find sumthin to get into. catchin a mouse is one of them. ben is still livin in my crib. i can't bring myself to kill him, but i'm tired of seein him runnin thru my house too. decisions, decisions.

big ups to holly. u're so fuckin groovy sis! ha!
kkarma is ghettrofunky. hope all is well w/ u and tha lil one.
nsa, relax! relate! release girl! i hope everything is ok w/ u too.

peace y.all.

crazy feelins make me stay in luv w/ u...
i've missed him. we hadn't spoke to each otha for 'bout a month. right when i tell myself i can b w/o him and once i'm convinced i can b...he calls. he comes by. he makes me laugh and smile. then gives me tha sweetest kisses. in a perfect world, we'd b togetha tha way we should b.

james is back in full effect. oh happy day!

this day seemed mellow...so y was i so busy?
babygirl doesn't know how to keep her shoes tied & she won't pick her feet up off tha floor when she walks. that irks tha shit outta me!
been talkin to my girl mandara...talkin to her makes me wanna leave this place even more.
during one of my many distractions today, i saw my old vw van. i don't own one...yet. it was shiny and filled w/ maps. i'm goin to travel 'round tha country yall. w/ reggae music blastin and my wears in tha back. b.fly wears will go on tha road.

i'm goin to cook dinner, lay on my big comfy couch, stare out my window and search for signs new growth on tha big birch tree in tha yard.

today is my parent's 40th wedding anniversary. wow! i can't help but wonder if i could spend that many years w/ a man. could u?

What kind of rapper are you? Take the damn quiz @ KTHXBI!!!11 W0rd up s0n!!1


i don't usually take these stupid azz tests, but i needed a laugh today. NAS! HA!!

went to borders @ lunch. bought a couple of mags. it's been a while since i've laid on tha floor and spent hours flippin thru 4-5 magazines. i used to b hooked on fashion mags...mainly for tha photos/designs. i'd sketch all kinds outfits and keep collages on my wall. i still keep collages on my wall, 'cept now it's mostly flyers (u can send some to me if u like, i'll accept them w/ a smile on my face). anywayz, this work day has been a long one. i've had a lot of work lately...which is great, i'm not complainin. but my coworkers (2) have been bitchin and moanin all freakin day. tha office is being rearranged and this sista cannot wait. i'll b away from tha two of them.

i'm headed home.

i got my dc pics developed. seein my friends made me smile, but i still miss them immensely. not too much has been goin on, i've been a knitting fool. my hands/arms/fingas r sore.

sendin luv + energy to a dear friend...

today was a good day. it was filled w/ lots of creativity. i spent some time @ tha yarn store, knitting my cares away. i then went to a fiber arts studio called color creek. i was surrounded by color in that place. loved it to death. i now have an itch to dye some thangs. tie dye, batik, whateva else i can learn, i wanna learn it. i could incorporate those things in my wears. that would b dope.

i feel like i should b doin so much more creatively. there r so many possibilities. i haven't even scratched tha surface. got a lot of ideas roamin thru my brain.

prayin for a warm sunny day tomorrow...

been feelin kinda strange lately. old issues/insecurities have resurfaced and i'm not sure how to deal w/ them. they've popped up b4 but i neva took tha time to evaluate them. so they're in my face once again and now i'm ready to deal. gotta drop this baggage, so i can move on.

i've got some journalling to do.