whateva illness i'm getting over, babygirl now has. luckily it isn't as bad as what i went thru. financially, things r outta whack. my phone is disconnected, cable got turned off yesterday, i'm a lil behind on rent, my car needs gas, and i barely have any food to cook. how did it get like this? i'm amazed i still have i.net access. i'm tired of livin paycheck to paycheck. when will that stop? it seems like as soon as i take two steps forward, sumthin happens to put me four steps backwards. bills consume me. will i have to work my 9-5, get a 6-9, and make my own business happen for me to get ahead in life?

otha than dealing w/ my financial woes, i'm enjoying the rest of tha summer. usually august is cold and rainy. i'm hoping that will b different since tha weather has been outstanding tha last few days. yesterday, i went to mandara's house. we sat in her backyard...i knitted while she sang and played her guitar. it was nice. i'm goin to have a get.togetha @ my crib b4 she leaves. i'm thinkin of a way i can get to new york in october. i'm entering a hat contest and will like to see tha otha entries PLUS visit mandara. i'm goin to make it happen.

i feel so bad. i think i got some kind of stomach flu. i haven't had much of an appetite, but when i do eat my stomach starts doing flip flops. my body's goin thru some detoxifying process and i'm doin my best to think 'bout it in that way. cuz lord knows i feel like shit.

after working nonstop for 6 hours, i'm ready to stop and go home. my mind is beginning to drift. all i can think 'bout is sleepin in tomorrow (3 day weekend!). i've got anutha massage scheduled tomorrow afternoon and i really really need it. i've got knots everywhere.

my parents' returned from their trip yesterday. i should've been on that trip, but i wasn't too thrilled 'bout goin to see a lot of relatives i don't know. my daddy is so funny. after i scooped them up from tha airport, we went to kfc so they could get some grub. moms gets outta tha car, i'm chillin in tha back workin on my new sock, and dad is checkin his messages on his celly. out of nowhere he says, "jackie, ur mama is sumthin else." i smiled. he then began talkin 'bout this dress she bought for tha reunion dinner. "ur mama bought this dress and it was beautiful" "and she looked good in it too." haha. i love that. when i leave here, i'm goin over to their house so i can peep out tha dress.

so i'm smiling today. i like myself a whole lot more when i smile and laugh crazily. my new workload is getting a lil more easier to deal w/. so maybe that's y i'm in a good mood. i don't know.

my boy ess is goin to cuba soon. he's getting togetha a book of poems/letters/drawings (from his friends and whoeva else is interested) for sista assata shakur. i'm goin to participate but i'm not sure what i'm goin to make.

mandara is moving back to new york in four weeks. i wanna go. :o(

somebody left some peanut m&ms on my desk. that's sweet. dontcha think?

lauryn appeared in last nite's dream. she looked really distraught and irritated. i don't remember where we were. it felt like we were @ a children's recital or sumthin of that nature. when it was over she came up to me and asked me how long i'd been growing my locks. i answered. she then started to tell what was goin on in her life. she didn't get too far cuz sumthin distracted her and she walked away. i think i woke up after that.

my spirit has been low since thurs. nite. i'm doing my best to look @ things in a positive way. but today i just wanna curl up in my bed and sleep. cry some too. so much happened over tha weekend. i'm mentally/emotionally tired. i feel like i'm moving in circles and that i will never elevate to tha next level in my life. i don't like feeling like this.

tha highlite of my sunday was goin to potter's marsh and watching tha salmon swim upstream. mandara came w/ me for tha ride. it was hella windy, but warm enuff to deal w/ it. we wondered what was up w/ tha fish bcuz they all congregated by tha bridge. they just seemed to b floating in place. i found out today that they were probably laying eggs. that made my heart smile a lil.

i'm counting tha minutes until i can leave work. everything seems to b crumbling around me @ tha moment. it'll all work out, i know this.

i tried gettin into tha building this morn. i couldn't cuz i realized that tha key that i use is missing bcuz my wallet is missing. i remember putting it in tha stolen bag bcuz it weighed my purse down. so my wallet is gone. luckily, tha only thing missing is my checkbook. i keep my ids and atm card seperate and had those in my purse.

i'm goin to try and have a good day but right now, i'm not being too successful.

i was flyin high yesterday. i went to nordstrom to get my makeover. my girl hooked it up. i walked out feelin good. but when i turned tha corner, i saw tha passenger side door to my car sittin wide open. i looked and saw my cd/stereo still in place. my bag of hats were still there, but my backpack w/ some of my knitting projects were gone. tha baby sweater i was makin for baby sakura is fuckin gone. i had just bought buttons for that shit earlier that day. i'm so heart broken. i didn't leave tha car unlocked. i left tha windows cracked a lil bit. i know good and well i couldn't get my arm thru, so i didn't think anybody else could. i'm so pissed. maybe i'm being naive, but i've never experienced this before. and to b honest, i think if my cd player was stolen i wouldn't b trippin so hard. it just hurts cuz i put so much time, energy and luv into tha pieces i had in that bag. and all some careless muthafucka could think 'bout is how much money i had in that bag. he/she probably took it w/o even lookin inside. i know if were to steal some stuff outta someone's car, i'd @ least make sure i had sumthin of material value. ya know?! i drove around downtown for a while tryin to spot somebody walkin 'round w/ my bag or to see if i could find my stuff layin on tha side of tha street somewhere.

i've been drinkin all nite. i know it's not tha best way to deal w/ tha situation, but hey, i needed to numb tha pain for a bit. that shit definitely ruined a great day. tha show was tight tho'. everybody did their thang and inspired me to write a lil sumthin. i'm missin my ex and i wish he was here right now to comfort me. i just wanna b held man, that's all. i saw b.fly collar boy and all he could say to me is "i'm sorry u heard from somebody else". that's it. i got on him lata and said my piece. i wish i could hold grudges longer than 2 days. what is tha lesson in all of this shit?

lightning flashed and thunder roared thru alaskan skies last nite. i loved every freakin minute of it. thunder and lightning is kinda unheard of here. it hovered over tha mountains for a while and then that big ole nasty cloud travelled westward bringin a lil rain. i saw a rainbow! two actually! i believe rainbows r signs of good things to come. i've been in a shitty mood all week. today, everything is sunshine and light w/ me.

i'm amped up 'bout c's show/party. my girl mandara will b singing. she sung a song acapella @ tha rehearsal and i had instant goosebumps as soon as i heard tha first note. she's dope. wiz will b doing her thang as well as miss c. my girls have madd talent. i promised mandara i'd leave my sock @ home --rememba i knit everywhere i go. lol. all i can think 'bout is my outfit and tha m a c makeover i'm getting b4 tha show. i'm playin dress up tonite. good times r ahead. yes siree!

where did my appetite go?

c has been planning a party for tha release of her chapbook and cd. it's tomorrow nite and i can't wait to get my dance on. it'll b mostly music and dancing w/ "spoken word intermissions". it should b dope. hopefully, folks will want to come out on a thursday nite.

i'm still highly irritated w/ b.fly collar boy. he told c! y does he want to keep it a secret from me? i don't understand. he's supposed to b @ c's dress rehearsal tonite, so let's see if he says sumthin (that's if he shows up).

tha weather has been nice. real nice for july. next month will probably b cold and rainy. august usually is. it'd b cool if i could experience an indian summer up here. okay, i'm done rambling.

i gotta write assata...

i found out a couple of days ago that buttafly collar boy is getting married. not to tha bucketheaded girl he's been seein all of this time, but to his college sweetheart who lives in anutha fuckin state. what is up w/ that? he's supposedly flying to cali to get married and then he's bringin sistagirl back to ak w/ him. i'm hurt. not bcuz i was feeling him heavily, but bcuz i thought we were friends first and that he would tell me. he hasn't told me yet. he's getting married in 10 days and he hasn't told me. wiz found out thru tha grapevine and we didn't believe it until one of his friends told us. damn. he's such an ass. i guess u just neva really know a person. damn.

my weekend was awesome. tha weather here has been amazing and i've found myself wrappin up in sarongs and lettin my shoulders show. i went to tha saturday market for tha first time this season. i walked 'round and checked out tha new booths. lots of cool artistry. i grabbed sumthin to eat and ran into this guy i met @ tha forest fair. we sat in tha grass talked for 'bout an hour. man, i'm still recovering from tha forest fair. i had so much fun. lata on that nite, i went to tha comedy show. that's one thing we get a lot of up here...comedians. somebody's always showcasing comic view and def jam comedians. anywayz, wiz was supposed to host tha show so i got access to tha "v i p" section (which has always been bullshit to me). i sat in tha room for a bit and knitted a hat. i went into tha theatre to watch tha show and knitted my hat. tha show was alright. tha after party was hilarious. i just sat in a corner and watched a lot of desperate females throw themselves @ tha so.called "celebrities". tha nite was a trip. it really was.

business has picked up a bit. looks like i will have a place to showcase my wears @ tha end of this month. i'm really excited 'bout it. everything is falling into place man.

i got a massage yesterday. i have to treat myself to that on tha regular. i felt like a brand new person afterwards.

this is tha view of tha mountains from my apt.

things @ work have picked up a bit. after tha last evaluation, tha bosslady said she was goin to increase my workload. that's sumthin i've been wantin for a while now. so, tues. it happened. i have more responsibilities and a better chance @ gettin a promotion. i was a lil stressed yesterday and was wishin i neva would have opened my mouth. but that's passed. i know that this is best and that i'll b happier w/ a new challenge.

babygirl is lockin her hair. i'm rocking tha ponytails cuz she wanted us to look tha same today. man, she even had me sew a cowrie shell in hair (lookin like her mama). she's so wonderful. beautiful. full of lite. i luv her.

i'm still high from my weekend in tha woods. i think my hair grew an inch during those two days. my nails grew a lot too. i'm trippin. i finally broke out this season's fader. two words: kassa korley. he's a chess playin 8 yr old (prodigy?). i've neva been interested in chess but after readin about him, i'm curious to know what tha attraction is.

big ups to holly and her divine butterfly crew. y'all r doin it!

ani difranco...um, i've been sleepin on her. dopeness i tell ya, dope.ness! she's comin to anchortown next month. me, mandara, and c r goin to check her out. lookin forward to it.

i'm high...naturally
i'm home after a long weekend in girdwood. tha forest fair was awesome. it's held in a park which is nuttin but trees and bike trails. a stage was built for live music and booths were placed along side tha trails. it was beautiful! tha ppl were so nice. positive vibes were everywhere. i found myself smiling for no reason and ppl smiled back @ me. ppl spoke to me w/ luv. i needed that. i sold a lot. ate a lot. danced a lot. walked a lot. this trip was definitely an experience. i slept in my car tha whole weekend. camping was available to tha vendors. but since i've neva camped a day in my life, i lacked tha necessary equipment to do so. i gotta go back. there's sumthin 'bout girdwood. it could possibly b that tha town is right smack in tha middle of a mountain range. tha mountains were so close and so huge that they looked fake...computer generated. beautiful, i tell ya. of course, i suck cuz i forgot my camera and didn't take any pictures.

i came home w/ cool stuff (bartering is good), made some new friends, and came home w/ a sense of peace.

--i'd like to breathe. my allergies got tha best of me tha whole weekend w/ stuffy nose and ears. when will it end?

i'm not as young as i used to b
oh hell no siree. there was a time i could stay out all nite, get my party on, and go straight to work w/o sleep. those days r over. mandara came thru and we had our longest rap session yet. i looked @ tha clock once and it was 1030pm. next thing i know, it's 630am and i have to get ready for work. damn. i was full of energy when i left tha house. but that energy slowly started leaving me while on tha way to work. i'm praying this caramel mocha (w/ an extra shot) i'm sippin on will give me tha boost i need.

babygirl is going to fairbanks w/ her dad today. i'm a lil bummed, just cuz this situation brings back tha foul taste i had in my mouth during our nasty custody battle. i think i spent part of tha nite talkin to mandara 'bout it. i mean, i know i didn't have to allow babygirl to go, but she really wanted to and i've never been one to keep her from her dad or him from her. i wonder if he really sees that. i wonder if he appreciates tha cooperation i've given him (even when he didn't deserve some of it).

femi kuti is singing 'bout africa someday being free and united...i'm waiting for tha caffeine to take its affect.

it's july first. damn.

this is a picture of tha fountain in tha middle of town square in downtown anchorage. i went to check out tha first annual hispanic american festival. it was so dope. i was amped up off of tha music and watchin ppl dance. i saw a vendor sellin mangoes too. i've neva seen mangoes here. maybe i haven't been to tha right places. i shoulda bought one.

sea gulls fly above my head
tha sun sets pink
while tha clouds b fluffy & white
snakes in tha grass rattle loudly
while i look for peace of mind...