i'm a b.gyrl in my dreams.

1130am and i have no energy. i just wanna stay in bed...chill in my drawls all day. that won't happen cuz a lot needs to b done. i need to clean out babygirl's closet and drawers. gotta get rid of all the clutter. maybe i'll feel betta afterwards.

i'm looking forward to tonite's speak easy show. mandara is bringin her guitar and she's singin a song she just wrote. miss neisha is going to bless the mic (finally!) and of course, wiz and c will b doing their thing. me? i'm just going to chill tonite. i don't feel like being out in the public's eye. so i'll b in a corner somewhere observing.

aight, i'm off to get my day started. lata.

tommy r u out there? i know u r. *smile* the postcard was a lovely surprise. thank u much. e-me, k?

i got some time to jot down some things that were in my head. i gotta do my part for the site and get some new bags and hats designed, made, and photographed. i've found a partner to do the "hats for the homeless" w/. my girl zee had the same idea and was amped up 'bout it when i shared my thoughts. so it's on!

everything is falling into place man. looks like my trip to new york is going to happen. i'm looking to be there october 17-22. as soon i get my stitches out, i'm going to b a busy woman.

sending love to u kkarms. kwasi where u @?

my hand is feeling a lil betta. i've managed to make 2 hats so far. i'm goin to chill tho cuz i don't wanna pop my stitches.

anywayz, my day has been shitty. i walked into the office and was instantly disgusted. i really hate my job. i know deep down inside that i should b doing sumthin else. i'm not happy. when i thought 'bout how unhappy i was w/ this job, i got a lil teary eyed. things gotta change. all i can think 'bout is how many hats i'd need to sell in order to live. gettin a part time job has even crossed my mind. i don't know what i'm goin to do. aint nuttin worse than feeling trapped in a job u hate.

to add to my frustration, i went to the mall to buy jeans. flare legged jeans are no more. it's out of "style" so nobody is makin them the way i like them anymore - tight in the thigh, bell bottomed leg. old navy didn't have them so i went to the gap just to see. theirs were okay, but i refuse to pay $42 for some jeans. the extra perky sales girl asked me how i was doing and i replied, "shitty". i then shared my frustration w/ her. i swear i feel like i need to lose 100lbs and learn how to sew so i can have the clothes i want. i feel like everything is going back to that anyway.

the party was a success. ten minutes into it however, i cut my hand tryin to open my kitchen window. see, my landlord recently painted the building and in the process painted my windows shut. i thought if i just gave the window a few good pushes, i would break the seal and thus get some fresh air flowing (cuz it felt like africa in my spot). not the case. the window broke and next thing i know, i'm looking @ a very deep cut and blood was everywhere. my girls took me to the ER and the party continued. haha. i was so excited 'bout having the party i wasn't about to let my injury get in the way of having a good time. we took goofy pictures in the waiting area and in the back where i got my hand stitched up (6 stitches). an hour and a half lata, we were back @ my spot eating and drinking (i didn't get any drugs for the pain).



we watched the movie and i love it even more bcuz of the dope knitwear and crocheted hats that were shown. i'm looking @ this incident as a sign that maybe i need to slow down a bit. i'm a lil bummed bcuz i can't knit or crochet @ the moment. folks that know me know that i can't function if i don't have a needle or hook in my hands.

anyway, the girls r coming back over tonite. we're goin to eat some more (lots of food was left over) and watch half baked.

i need more floor pillows. so much needs to b done w/in the next 2 hours. i know the "clem" in me will show her face and i'll b runnin 'round like a mad woman until my company arrives.

song of the morning: anger, marvin gaye

y do folks in "higher" positions think they can talk to u any kind of way bcuz u don't make as much money as them? muthafuckas. once a month i have to deal w/ this asshole of a man @ my job. he's always difficult and asks me to do things (i pay some invoices for his program) that is against federal regulations. no matter how many times me, my coworker, and our boss tells him NO, he keeps asking. when he can't get his way, he sends nasty emails. i shouldn't let it get to me, cuz i know i'm not in the wrong.

the last couple of days has been a blast. mandara rolled thru tues nite. we smoked a lil and found ourselves @ the grocery store @ 1am buying ice cream. we tore it up. ben and jerry's karamel sutra is so good. try it, if u haven't already. last nite, we went on our mission to find mahogany (since the party is tonite). it was looking bad for a moment. not one video store here carries the movie. we were pissed. so, the mahogany party turned into the wiz party. that was short lived, cuz the movie had been rented. so, we then decided that we didn't need a movie cuz we'd all b drunk and not watchin it anyway. haha. mandara tells me that our boy ira would b @ the whaler lata on. we stopped by for a second to say hello. so me and ira r talkin and i tell him 'bout the party and how we couldn't find the movie. he then says to me, "i bought that movie two weeks ago." i jumped outta tha bar stool i was sittin in and hugged him. the party is on! pray my chicken wings come out okay.

it's sad when u go out and can't enjoy urself w/o getting drunk. i realized this friday nite. i woke saturday w/ that on my mind. i think it's time to go underground. i've wasted too much time and money @ tha so called club. i spent my saturday afternoon laying in bed, staring @ tha ceiling. i read, listened to some music, and thought ( i think too much.). i didn't want to do anything. for once, i just wanted to b alone. i think i'm ready to make tha changes i've been thinkin 'bout for so long.

my bro called. tha power of tha mind is a beautiful thing. we caught up for a bit and then i told him everything i wanna do w/ my life. he was encouraging and gave me some things to think about.

i'm still waking up. mandara was over 'til 3am. u would think we'd run outta things to talk 'bout, cuz we sit and talk for hours on end. i will definitely miss that when she's gone.

happy moon.day.

i overslept this morn thinking it was my friday off. i'm ready to leave tha spot and start my weekend. coworker d spends all of his days bitchin and moanin 'bout customers, government policies (which we r supposed to abide by), and coworker m. coworker m walks 'round all day w/ a discman strapped to her side singin loudlee thru tha halls. some days she even colors (yes, she's brought coloring books to tha office) and on otha days (like today) she creates signs and banners for everybody in tha office. me? well, i spend most of my time staring off into space or reading a plethora of blogs. tha rest of my time is spent wishing that coworker d would shut tha hell up and coworker m (she has her bad days too) would retire.

my hats for tha homeless idea is takin off. i've onlee mentioned it to a few ppl and they seem really excited 'bout it. mandara informed me that i could get a grant. i gotta look into that.

c should b home from nationals sunday. i can't wait to hear about her experience there. i'm so excited for her.

steve leaves for cuba tomorrow. have a safe trip punk! :oP

thanx for tha info kkarms. 'preciate it.

nsa, where u beez? i know u're workin and beez tired. just wanted to say "helloo" (picture that in a high pitched english accent, k?)

next thursday will b tha mahogany party. it'll include me and five otha females, lots of food, some alcohol, and tha movie mahogany! diana ross was so fly in that flick. it's been my favorite ever since i saw it tha first time. i think it fueled my dream of becoming a fashion designer. nah, i know it did. tha rainbow dress man. tha rainbow dress.

i miss my brother.

it's funny, all we seemed to do is fight while we were growing up. shit, we even fought tha day he left for atlanta. i remember tellin him i was glad his ass was leaving. it's been 5 yrs and i miss his ass terribly. i need to call him.

i decided i'm goin to make hats and scarves (maybe mittens too) for tha homeless. this is cool. i'm feeling good about this.

last nite, this brotha called my house askin if he could ask me some questions for a survey. y did he have to sound so good? his voice was deep, raspy, just muthafunkin sexy. ummm ummm ummm. i was on tha phone w/ babygirl so i couldn't talk. he's supposed to call me back tonite. i just wanna hear his voice again. haha.

is it just me or does it seem like a lot of children r being abducted? what's goin on right now? i don't understand.

i wanna get active in my community somehow. maybe i'll make hats for tha homeless. gotta think on that. r u active in ur community? if so, what do u do?

:::

i am tha black gold of tha sun...

time is flying by. tick tock. tick tock.

i would luv to get thru this book. man. i gotta take things one day @ a time. so much needs to b done w/in tha next couple of weeks. i'll do my best not to go nuts in tha meantime.

rain rain go away...

i'm rockin a scarf today. it's been madd chilly (tha rain is to blame). i'm sad to say that summer seems to b over with. *sigh*

tha weekend was cool. i managed to clean up my crib, cook a slappin pot of black eyed peas, and get some crochet/knit work done. wiz and i went out saturday nite. i fussed a few guys out. onlee bcuz i was stood up that nite (tha reason for me goin to tha club). i never get asked out. i don't know if tha men here r intimidated or what, but if i like a guy then i'm usually like, "hey, let's go out sometime." i'm tired of that shit. when will i b asked out? i'm dateable, damn! so anyway, i fussed some guys out @ tha club cuz they (they being guys i know) would come up to me and b like, "w'sup j? yo, what's ur friend's name?" "j, hook me up w/ ur friend." man fuck that! so me already being upset i gave this reply, "u interested? then u need to walk ur ass over to her and get tha info ur muthafuckin self." oh i forgot, this started happening after this guy i can't stand starts yellin my name and tellin me to come to him. i ignored him for a while. again, if he wanted to talk to me, then he could walk his ass over to me. finally, he comes and tells me his friend wants to talk to me. "does ur friend have a mouth?" was my reply. my evening was like that most of tha nite but i did surprisingly manage to get my dance on and trip out w/ a few old friends.

c is leavin for nationals today. i'm so happy for her. she's got her chapbooks ready and funky wardrobe packed. i'm supposed to b givin her some of my business cards, but i onlee have five left. i guess i gotta get creative. tha clock is tickin. tick tock. tick tock. mandara will b nyc bound on tha third. i will b there in october. it'll b nice if i can go on this trip and not feel rushed. i don't want to plan a thing. i just wanna fly by tha seat of my pants and experience as much as i can.

i'm tired man. happy monday.

i should b asleep. but i'm off tomorrow and i usually try to stay up 'til tha buttcrack of dawn. i don't know y i do it, cuz then i spend most of my off day walkin 'round like a zombie. anywho, monkey shines is on tha boob tube. i rememba this flick scarin tha shit outta me when i first saw it. so 8-9-10 yrs lata, i'm watchin it and wondering if i'll still b freaked out.

i'm in tha middle of making sakura's sweater (again). w/ this sweater she will get tha gift of persistence. cuz lawd knows my heart was broken when tha first one got stolen. i hope it fits. it would suck if it didn't.

let me get back to work.

yeah, life is a game, but the opponents look like us… werd.

life is slowly gettin back to normal. after callin tha phone company twice and going to tha office twice, my phone is finally on. i told three ppl my phone was back on and next thing i know, my phone was ringin off tha hook. i must admit i didn't miss that.

in tha midst of my "what tha fuck do i stand for?" stage i ate a b l t. i questioned y i didn't eat pork and red meat. um, i remember y now. cuz that shit is gross! i've been coughin up lil pieces of stuff for two days now. i say stuff cuz i don't know what it is. it could b gizzards or sumthin. i've come to my senses now. i won't go there anymore.

my hands r tired from making this. i'm making my gift for assata tonite (whateva it may b).

again, i have to say i loved tha celestine prophecy. i also have to say that i hated tha way it ended. it ended quite abruptly and left me yelling @ tha air like a crazy woman, "that's it?!!!!" after venting to mandara, she brought tha sequel over. i'm happy once again.

oooh, i brought my digi cam to work today. *gasp* tha hahra (um, horror).

time is flying by. sheesh. i get paid tomorrow but i wonder if i can get away w/ writing a couple of checks to get my phone and cable on a day sooner. hmmm...

i went to a fundraising bbq for tha slam team on saturday. wiz and i went to give c support. i'm so proud of her. her words need to b heard outside of anchorage. i bought a dope picture of her that was taken @ tha grand slam in may. tha photographer himself was selling them. me being broke, i talked him down from $5 to $2. woohoo. oh, i found tha 5 bucks in my pocket while adjusting my belt. isn't it great when u find forgotten money?

buttafly collar boy was there too. he's married now and he's still an ass. i have to say that every once in a while. i found that i have no words for him anymore. i speak when i see him, but that's as far as it goes. i wish him and c luck @ nationals.

there were so many strange ppl @ tha bbq. i try and step outta my comfort zone and meet ppl i don't know, but that shit is hard. especially if they've been drinkin beer all day and all they can talk 'bout is how cool my hair looks or how i remind them of some black friend they once had. i'm surprised i lasted as long as i did. all in all i had a good time.

i'm dressed in green today. tha color of prosperity. ha! my flip flops echo thru tha halls when i walk. i get strange looks. i like my flip flops. fall is quickly approaching. i'm looking forward to my new york trip. i want it to happen so badly, i've been dreaming 'bout it. so therefore, it'll happen.

it's cloudy, i'm goin to lunch.

i finished tha celestine prophecy. good book. it has me thinkin 'bout my destiny and what i believe in spiritually. which leads me to this. babygirl got baptised @ her father's church yesterday. when she told me i wasn't happy 'bout it. i grilled her on her reasoning behind it. i finally told her that if she felt good 'bout it, then i was happy for her. so she says to me, "u don't look happy." so lata on, it had me thinkin "where do i stand spiritually?" "what do i stand for period?!" so to figure this out, where do i start first?

i need some more books to read.

we had tha best dinner @ mandara's tonite. she and her moms is always findin tasty recipes to try. tonite's dish was a confetti chicken bowl which was full of veggies, noodles, and of course...chicken. it was coupled w/ a greek salad (black olives...yum!). and for dessert...a coconut peach cake. i've got my slice in tha fridge now. mandara called a lil while ago to tell me tha cake didn't fully rise, so tha middle is doughey. that hurt my heart, but i will defintely be eatin tha peaches and cream off of it. today's been a good day.



here's a betta view of tha mountains for u. i'm sticky and i'm tired. tha shower is callin.

okay, so i'm really reading tha celestine prophecy. it took four months to get into it, but i'm finally into it. it was a lil slow in tha beginning, but now tha action is in full effect so i can't put tha book down. i'm wondering how i will feel after i'm done. will my purpose be clearer?

tha sun is shining and i'm not stressing. everything will work itself out...it always does.

i'm goin to do a cleanse w/ mandara next week. i think i'm long overdue for one. my diet needs to change b4 winter comes. i'll need as much energy as possible to deal w/ tha shorter days.