i think i'm vitamin c deficient. i took a sip of oj and i'm suckin it down like i've neva had it b4. this is tha best oj i've tasted in a while.

i was beginnin to lose my focus. tha plan is to get to atlanta by tha end of next year. i want to quit my job. i miss havin my weekends to myself. now i spend 6 hrs of it smilin and sayin "thanks for comin in, have a great day/nite". sometimes i don't wanna b nice. but if i'm goin to save up some cash, i need this extra gig. *sigh* i don't wanna b an adult sometimes.

what???-ursula rucker

i am really feelin this song bcuz she is callin out all tha whack ass emcees that have been makin "music" tha last several years.
u-love rocks shit...

knittin class day 2
i think i've got tha hang of it now. we're makin this dope ass hat and i can't wait to see what mine looks like. after i finish it, i'll probably make two or three more. oh and i was bad (again). i bought more yarn. i swear i'm addicted. i'll b a yarn fiend 'til tha day i die. i see tha colors and have to touch. while i'm touchin i'm dreamin up all sorts of projects...hats, bags, scarves, sweaters, blankets, whateva. i bought some japanese wool (loc.queen i think it's tha kind u were tellin me 'bout) in these awesome colors and i bought this plum colored polyester blend. i think it'll make a nice shawl. it'll b soft and bumpy lookin when i'm finished w/ it (i'm excited). i can't wait.
:::
i had a hard time gettin outta bed this morn. it was hella cold when i went outside to start my car. my baby was covered in ice. soon snow will b on tha ground and e'rything 'round me will b lifeless. this year's gone by fast.

'memba...

saturday mawnin cartoons
buck rogers
battlestar galactica
tha luv boat and fantasy island
tha electric company
3-2-1 contact

i've become sluggish all of a sudden.

'memba that commercial w/ tha lil kids playin instruments singin "...and tha beat goes on". i don't remember which company it was for, but i just heard it on tha radio and it has me thinkin 'bout my elementary school days bein in band. i played tha clarinet. tha saxophone was my first choice, but i was told tha clarinet would b easier to learn and since tha fingerin was almost identical i could move up to tha saxophone lata on. i neva played tha sax. i quit band in tha 7th grade.

dreams i had when i was little have been resurfacing. y didn't i pursue a career in fashion design (i just knew i would have my designs on paris runways)? i wanted to b tha next patrick kelly (anybody 'memba him?--kwas?). i dreamt 'bout goin to f i t (i still dream 'bout it actually). i wanted to dance w/ tha dance theatre of harlem too (neva had a dance class in my life).

present day dreams include ownin my own store and publishin a book. soon come...

cloud nine is where i reside.

shit...
i'm feenin for some gum. w'sup w/ that.

finally found supa sista. camelot had one copy. ONE copy! i couldn't believe it. they hadn't even put it out yet. that happened last week when i went in there lookin for stranger on earth. i've been buyin a lot of music. i think i've spent close to 200 bucks in a couple of weeks. that shit adds up quick. i can't help it tho'. i'm hooked on music. it helps me, soothes me, motivates me....if i had my own 'puter i would actually download stuff off tha web, but then again, that may not help cuz i would still end up buyin tha ceedee.

music sweet muuussssiiiccc--(c)boogiemonsters (they need a new album dammit!)

i'm not here today. really, i'm not. there's a hologram of me in this chair. i'm really in my warm, comfy bed, sleepin to miles' kind of blue, dreamin 'bout tha beautiful children me and maxwell will make one day.

happy monday...

i'm sittin here waitin for my clothes to dry and watchin poetic justice for tha 70th time. damn, i luv this movie. janet was very convincin as a 'round tha way girl. pac was destined to b great. i think that e'rytime i see one of his flicks. this movie introduced me to maya angelou. phenomenal woman will always b a favorite.

yesterday i was a cleanin machine. yesterday u could tell i was clem's daughter (mom's a clean freak). anywayz, i woke up wantin to wash walls and move furniture. that shit doesn't happen to me. i moved my heavy ass couch by myself (clem rearranges her heavy furniture @ least once a month). yesterday i was a heavy duty woman (a clem-ism for women who does all sorts of things on her own). she and my pops came thru to see what i was doin and she said "lawd thank u, cuz this is definitely a blessing". moms always b clownin. it's cool tho'.

today i'm chillin w/ my fam (took tha weekend off). i haven't had sunday dinner in a month and it was beginnin to affect me. moms made peach cobbler, yay!!!

this thursday afternoon feels like a friday. i've got a 3-day weekend and i can't wait 'til it begins.


::livin for self::doin for self::

my ear has been hurtin all day. i hope i'm not gettin sick again. that would suck.

i'm sittin here sleepy and bored and listenin to miss macy gray. i'm wonderin y i didn't buy her last album, cuz this joint here is buttas.

connected-revisited

he b me
i b him
i n i groove to tha same tune
he b tha pineapple on my pizza
tha vanilla in my lip gloss
tha funky to my fresh
he beez tha fat laces in my shell toes
tha frankincense to my myrrh
tha caramel in my hot cocoa
he beez a cool autumn breeze to my starlit nite
a warm hug when i need to feel alright
we beez connected...

knittin class-day 1
i was excited @ first, and then i got nervous as time moved on. i guess tha waitin got to me. it seems tha onlee thing keepin me togetha was lookin @ all of tha yarn in tha store. tha teacher shows up and tha five of us women sat down and tha class began. i got flustered. i got mad. i almost cried---literally (my bottom lip is raw too cuz i was bitin and suckin on it tha whole time--i was unda a lot of stress and was concentratin really hard). tha teacher's gonna tell me that i'm not holdin tha needles right. i'm left handed dammit! it looks backwards to me and i couldn't "think" right-handed so i started to freak. she eventually backed off cuz she saw tha smoke comin outta my ears and said, "alright, do what feels comfortable to u". cool. i must say that my first three rows looked like shit, but i caught tha whole concept of tha knit stitch while in class. i immediately went home to start over (i'm a perfectionist dammit) and was surprised to see that i remembered e'rything i was shown in class. my piece looks luvlee. :o)

now i just gotta learn how to purl. :o( lol.

new music
lina-stranger on earth
macy gray-the id

while listenin to lina i realized that i'm really tired of rappers usin tha terms playa/hatin/laced up/rockin ice/iced out. that shit is really old. and i'm also tired of tha females tryin to sound like lil kim/foxy brown.

k, i'm done.

i'm sittin here w/ my olive green cap cocked to tha side thinkin 'bout things. i don't like soundin like a broken record, but i'm scared. worried about what's gonna happen next. world war III? i was wonderin if i knew anybody in tha airforce here that might b sent to who knows where if/when shit went down.

i'm tired of lookin @ red/white/blue. tired of hearin tha prez talk 'bout how free we r. i mean can we really say "land of tha free"? if u speak against tha gubment, u may have tha fbi sittin in front of ur crib tapin ur phone convos. so r we really free?

i'm tired.

taken from top ten blog...

Top Ten Signs That You Really Are In "The Matrix"
10. Your entire wardrobe is made of pleather.

9. People call you by your internet handle in the Real World. (Wait a minute...)

8. You spend so much of your time in front of computers, running web searches and listening to electronica, that your skin is pale and pasty from lack of exposure to natural light. (Wait a minute...)

7. Your boss yells at you, saying you're talented but unreliable, and you don't argue, because your job is what lets you pay for all your tech toys. (Wait a minute...)

6. Beautiful, statuesque women you don't know approach you at dance clubs and address you by your hip-but-geeky internet name. (Whew! I'm safe.)

5. It occurs to you that you would be happier had you taken a pill. (Um...)

4. You need a spoon to eat your Cocoa Pebbles, but........there is no spoon.

3. People constantly following you around saying "He is the one."

2. You find it easier to get across town by simply jumping there.

1. Suddenly, you know kung-fu.

some (more) bad shit is 'bout to happen. i feel it. my mind is heavy w/ worry. i'm afraid for me and my child. lately, my ass has been thinkin 'bout buyin a gun. goin to tha range (sumthin my coworkers---nra members---have been tryin to get me to do for tha last 2 yrs) and gettin tha proper trainin. i'm scared, sittin 'round wonderin what's gonna happen next....what could happen next?

i'm tired of tha tv/radio/ppl and their ignorance.

tonite i will say a prayer for tha ppl who lost a loved one. then i'll say a prayer for myself. i can't help but feel like tha time has come to get right w/ tha creator cuz this is just tha beginnin.

peace.

i find myself bein really irritated w/ ppl. can i stare out tha window and pop my gum in peace? thinkin 'bout my so-called biz and wonderin if i should take a break from "sellin".

my wears r handmade by me. i put a lot of time and energy into what i do. i am constantly learnin and addin on to my product. i get frustrated w/ ppl bcuz it's like they think i can pull a rabbit outta my ass on demand. i keep my shit simple. i create for me and me onlee. i don't do this to become hellafied rich. i do this bcuz i love to do it. plain and simple.

i'm hormonal and need a nap. blah.

tonite
i need to immerse myself into creative activities. get my mind off of things and maybe even get a lil sleep.

we were sent home early yesterday. i spent tha whole day glued to tha television. 'round 9 o clock, i was mentally spent. i wanted to watch sumthin else. e'ry channel had news coverage of tha trade center and tha movie channels had nuttin good on. so i spent $3.95 and ordered a pay per view flick.

i cried off and on thruout tha day. mostly when survivors told their stories 'bout what went on inside tha towers. my daddy's been away on bizness (w/in tha state). i saw him for tha first time in a week and hugged his neck tightly. i told tha ppl i cared 'bout i loved them.

i'm angry and full of questions. a lot of different emotions r runnin thru me right now.

what will happen next?

cc woke me up w/ tha news 'bout tha plane crashes. i sat in horror as i watched tha twin towers fall on tha news. man...

i went to a thrift store and found some old crochet books that were printed in tha 70s. i've got some jewels. there r some fresh poncho/shawl/bag patterns. i also found a website called groovycrochet.com who has a lot of different patterns as well (all from tha 70s).

i'm one happy chick.

i'm addin this to my list of winter activities.

spent a lil time in girdwood saturday nite. me and my girls went to a slam that was held @ tha alyeska ski resort. wheneva i make tha 45 min drive out there, i feel @ peace w/ my surroundings. there's water to tha right and mountains surround u. it's a beautiful thing to see. so i go to girdwood, trip off tha dreadlock wearin white kids and think that i could live there. one day...

fall is here in tha ak. i know i've been bitchin 'bout it, but i really do like alaskan autumns. although it gets cooler, tha air is crisp and i like tha feel of tha cool evenin breezes. it gets dark now so i can look @ tha stars. hopefully, i'll get to catch tha northern lites b4 it gets too cold...but tha doesn't matter either bcuz i will stand out in -40 below weather just to watch them. :o)

VMAs
i watch e'ry year. i can't help it. it's been a ritual since highschool. so i watched....twice. some of tha performances were pretty dope.

highlites
sway's headwrap
tha n'sync performance
tha mj surprise in tha n'sync performance---that etch n sketch part was dope
jamie fox's operatic (is that a word?) openin
britney spears and tha snake---i'm not a britney fan, but girlfriend b doin her thang. i dug tha performance and tha song (whoa). i want a snake.
christopher walken for just bein there
u2's performance
alicia keys perfomance

lowlites
tha lady marmalade crew and their whack acceptance speeches
tha ramones acceptance speech wasn't shown
mtv effin up u2's performance

thoughts that ran thru my brain in durin my sleepy state
destiny's child looked like three hot pink table cloths....and how come kelly always wears tha ugliest shit? who told her to wear those turquoise boots?
jenny lopez gets props for singin i'm real live
where did mudvayne come from and did anybody really care that they won an award?
did anyone notice in tha openin credits a ? next to dmx's name? that isht had me rollin.
when i see alicia keys play, i think of patrice rushen.
y was pink walkin 'round w/ no shoes on. i like bein barefoot too, but i'm also afraid gettin a tapeworm.
macy gray's dress was fresh. *smile*
mary j looked like a reject from tha rhythm nation video.

is anyone feelin me on this?

i b.fly--->big ups to my girl roc!

i happened to catch fat boy slim's video weapon of choice and even tho' i felt like shit, i mustered up enuff energy to laugh @ christopher walken dancin 'round like he was fred astaire. it was nice to see him lookin "somewhat normal". i didn't think he had it in him.

i caught reverb last nite. i would have like to of seen more res/lina and less craig david. he's cool and e'rything, but all of his songs sound tha same. res did 2 songs and had a short interview. lina did 2 songs and had no interview. w'sup w/ that. sis has a lot of flava, it woulda been nice to hear her views on thangs.

on tues. i left work sick but decided to run to borders to get ursula's new joint. they didn't have it, but i did order it. i thought i would run to tha mall and see if sam goody got it. now i've been in this certain sam goody three otha times askin for certain ceedees and e'rytime i get strange looks from tha employees like i'm speakin hungarian or sumthin.

me: ah yea, did u get tha ursula rucker ceedee?
girl: who?
me: ursula rucker?
girl: um hold on, lemme ask
dude: who r u lookin for?
me: ursula rucker?!
dude: is it a various artist ceedee
me: lookin confused...wha?!! no!
dude: it's not a various artist?
me: U-R-S-U-L-A R-U-C-K-E-R...ONE PERSON
dude: when was it released?
me: tooooddaaayyyy
dude: checks list...we're not gettin it. sorry.
me: whateva man.

alla that for them to tell me they don't have it. i was highly irritated. i swear i need to have my own record shop. all of tha music that i luv and cannot find here in anchorage would b available in my shop. i would make a lot of dough. i know it.

i should have called in today. i've had no work all day long and my boss expects to see a daily work log once a week. well, this week will look really bad. i've been readin blogs/checkin email all day long. i must find sumthin else to do w/ my time.

:::

today lady wiz fussed me out (playfully) bcuz i was afraid to ask her to watch my child for a few hours. she was like, "that's what friends r for!" our girls r madd tight, but don't see each otha a lot cuz babygirl spends a lot of time @ her father's. i felt bad. y is it so hard for me to ask for help. fadimata said i needed a sign like sandra bullock's in 28 days....confront me if i don't ask for help. i've neva had friends i could depend on like that. it's been a while since i've had friends. i've been a loner tha last several years, so havin a girl to kick it with and who totally understands e'rything i've gone/i'm goin thru is absolutely wonderful.

friends, how many of us have them?--whodini

i can't think. i would like to add tha text for my new page that roc put togetha for me, but i can't think. my mind is a blank and i don't know what to say w/o soundin like a dork.

once i can breathe again and my ears unplug, i'll get on it.

i've been in a daze all day. i'm feelin betta after sleepin a lil bit, but my stomach feels empty. i know i've been eatin most of tha day.

this brotha has been on my mind. he's diggin me but i'm not really feelin him. he isn't my type. now, when i say this i think it's effed up cuz i could b passin a good thing up. i guess i'm feelin him out. i invited him over (sumthin i hardly do) and we watched movies...scratch that, i watched movies as he thumbed thru my photo albums. i felt uneasy as he flipped thru my past. i guess he felt my uneasiness too cuz he turned to me and said, "u don't like ppl gettin close to u". that threw me for a minute, cuz i've always thought of myself as an open person. but he may b right. i know i've been goin thru changes. i'm lookin @ self in a whole different lite.

i just hope i don't turn into a hermit durin tha process.

i feel so shitty right now. it's amazin how fast illness can take affect. i was fine tha day b4. yesterday morn i woke up w/ a sore throat. tha afternoon hours came 'round and i was extremely tired. this morn i feel worse. i feel like my head is too heavy for my neck. i just wanna lay my head down on my desk and stare out tha window.

tha coffee shop man gave me some nyquil......that's some yucky shit. now i'm sweatin and wanna lay my head down.

kwasi, where's tha cranberry juice?

madonna plays tha guitar? go 'head with yo' bad self.
mj's new single is kinda groovy. reminds me of some old mj stuff.
who's tha chick doin tha remake to madonna's justify my luv. tha video looks similar.
:::

okay, i'm watchin clips from madonna's concert...which is awesome by tha way...i did not know that her "mother" tee said f*cker on tha back. i want one.

:::

and if ya hadn't figured it out already, i'm an h b o junkie. okay yall reverb this wednesday...craig david, res, lina and sunshine anderson. woohoo!

my labor day activities involved me drivin 'round town enjoyin tha sun and goin to tha mall to find good deals on neat stuff. i managed to buy two jackets. now i'm goin home to crochet a bag and prepare for tomorrow's activities. babygirl starts school and she starts her sewin class. tha key for us this winter is to stay busy (tha lack of daylite does sumthin to ur mentals after a while). it's time to do sumthin different w/ my life.

i took tha day off to go school shoppin for my babygirl. when this time of year rolls around i am so last minute it isn't even funny. i was in a good mood until i walked thru my mama's door then everything went sour. first we were shoppin, then we weren't. then babygirl started her whinin shit (sumthin she does 'round my parents to get her way....what i say doesn't matter) and i pretty much lost it and had to listen to my mom tell me how wrong i was (in front of my child).

anywayz, we finally get to shoppin. there r so many damn ppl out (otha last minute parents) that i wanted to say fuck it, i'll shop on wed (day after school starts), girlfriend has a few thangs she can wear. but u know kids gotta have new diggs on tha first day of school. i couldn't go out like that.

while shoppin i realized what a pain in tha ass i musta been to my moms. i apologized to her while we were in tha dressin room. i felt somewhat betta after a while. then i got to tha cash register and tho' i did not spend as much as i thought i would, it still hurt me. my wallet was bare (i just got paid dammit!). i was funky all over again. my ass needs to start makin clothes or sumthin cuz tha prices on these grown ass lookin clothes for 8 yr olds is ridiculous.

and that's anutha thing.....since when did it become okay for an 8 yr old to look like a 20 yr old? back in tha 50s and 60s a lil girl could wear a halter and still look like a lil girl. not anymore. everything made today looks hoochified. tv doesn't help either. every channel has half nekkid females shakin and gyratin and miss girl sees this and thinks it's okay. it kills me every time i see her in tha mirror tryin her hardest to get her navel to show under her teeshirt.

i'm hot. i'm tired. i've been at my mama's too long today.